KIGATSUKU

More Than Enough Love

2012-02-13T22:10:00.001-07:00

I started to feel sorry for myself a bit tonight (I've think I've earned a small pity party) but then I was overwhelmed with love. While I may not have romantic love this Valentine's Day I have more than enough love in my life. I imagine when I was in Heaven I told God I could handle just about anything if He was sure to surround me with love.

Love will come.

Tonight I'm grateful for those who love me and for those who let me love them!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2 New Wicked Awesome Places!!

2012-02-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

Recently 2 people I love introduced me to 2 places I now love! The first place is called Gangplank and William Brian Cobb introduced it to me. The second place is called Changing Hands Bookstore and Hillary Anne Clemens introduced it to me.

Check out their website to learn the ins & outs of Gangplank. For me it was a place where like-minded people could roam around. I love every minute of it. I even like walking across the street b/c when you push a button the street lights up along the cross walk. At Gangplank they have 25¢ soda, old school video games, and presentations (TED style).

There are these collaborate free work spaces. Some start-ups pay for space but mostly you just come and use space.

you can print 3D objects

Everyone has postcard and sticky notes up everywhere

You get to write your name on this card and pick it up everytime you come. I thought it boring to use my normal name and decided on the name Lola....("whatever Lola wants, Lola gets")

This bookstore was overwhelming (in a delightful way) to me. I need to go back and take it in sections. I didn't even really get to the book b/c there was so much eye candy to get through before the books. I did, however, when I was overwhelmed, stop over at the awesome music store next door.

They have all kinds of cards, posters, wall hangings

crazy little things like these

pottery, decorative boxes, etc

metal things, wind chimes, etc

Be whatever you want to be hat rack

Hil wants to be a space cadet

DIY: Chalkboard Update

2012-02-11T18:44:00.002-07:00

This is what my Chalkboard Wall looks like now. I LOVE it!

New Friends

2012-02-08T00:34:00.001-07:00

I have always thought is kind of mystical or magical making new friends—not just any new friend(s)—the ones you can't believe you haven't had your whole life.

You meet them and it's almost like your souls were friends for a long time before you met. You just get each other.

A few weeks or months go by and someone asks you how you met and it's a little hazy because although you've only been friends for a short time it seems like it's been years. You both laugh and try to tell the story of when you first actually met but cant really remember.

It's amazing, incredible, and life changing. I am fortunate to have had this happen a few times in my life. It never gets old!

"Bringing Sexy Back"

2012-02-03T16:55:00.002-07:00

I love this for many reasons! I love it because it's true no matter how much media and the world try to tell/show us otherwise. I love it because it's real. I love it because it's being said by a prominent figure who understands her influence on others (even if it comes out that she never even said this.)

The other day I was talking to someone about dating/relationships etc. We were joking around, swapping dating stories, and then someone said something, I think in jest, that I've actually been told (also mostly in jest) before...."Well, maybe if you just lower your standards or dress sexier then you would attract more men."

The first thing that came to my mind was you are right. It probably is true that I would attract more men but that is not what I want. I only need one man. And while I hope he finds me sexy It won't be because I've lowered my standards or used my body as a sex object. It will be because I have self respect & self love!

Happy 6th Birthday Blog!

2012-01-31T20:53:00.001-07:00

How Do You Like Your Eggs?

2012-01-24T00:43:00.004-07:00

There is a scene from the movie, "Runaway Bride" that I use to sometimes to help people figure out who they are or who they want to become. Here is part of the scene:

Later Maggie will make all kinds of eggs, try them all, and then choose the kind she likes.

Maggie Carpenter: Benedict.
Ike Graham: Arnold.
Maggie Carpenter: I love Eggs Benedict, I hate every other kind. I hate big weddings with everybody staring. I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work. And when I ride off into the sunset, I want my own horse.
Ike Graham: Should I be writing this down?

Often I talk with teenagers and their parents or just friends of mine and what they really want, what they are really needing, is to find out who they are—or to rediscover themselves. They need to try the eggs and find the ones they like. Some how they have lost themselves in all the fighting, trying to live, dealing with things (sound familiar??)

When was the last time you did something just for yourself?

"Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close"

2012-01-21T20:04:00.005-07:00

Today I went to see, "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" and around every bend of the movie I wanted more. I wanted to hear every characters story. I wanted to sit and just be with the main character. I wanted to hold the hand of the mother and catch her tears. I wanted to exchange notes with the man who was mute. I wanted more. I found myself entranced by the cinematography, then colors, the characters, and of course, the story.

I found myself grieving during the movie and long after. I found myself thinking of my brother Grant. I started thinking about writing a book that was simply a collection of stories—living breathing stories.

I cried. I don't do that a lot in movies, but I did. Not only that but I was still crying on my way out of the theater. I didn't care that people were looking at me. I didn't care that it was only a movie. I simply lived in the moment and for the moment I needed to cry.

This is what an extremely moving and incredibly creative movie can do to the human spirit!

ANASAZI: The Lost Boys

2012-01-20T11:59:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I talked with an Anasazi Lost Boy in my office for a few minutes. I had met him before but wasn't quite sure if he was a Lost Boy. After listening to him tell of his travels and wanderlust for a few minutes I knew he was a true blue Lost Boy.

You might be wondering what I'm talking about—and yes I'm referring to the Peter Pan lost boys—but with an Anasazi twist. Let's start at the beginning...

My first day out on the "trail" working for Anasazi was incredible! I was driven in a vehicle to the middle of nowhere, hiked to where the "bands" of TrailWalkers and YoungWalkers were, sat, ate, and talked with them for a while. The first 2 people I met were these blonde-haired-bearded-happy-as-can-be Lost Boys TrailWalkers. They welcomed me into their band—no questions asked—and I knew, right then, I would love my job!

I would go on to date one of those Lost Boys and the other would give me the spoon I still eat with on the trail today. They would make me laugh, do their job in only a way each of them could, and then go and live adventures off the trail. I consider them incredible men and am grateful their friendship. And this is how it goes at Anasazi. Every time an Anasazi Lost Boy shows up, whether it's his first time coming to Anasazi, or his 6th year on & off, I can't wait to hear his story.

Each Anasazi Lost Boy has some scruff, a beard (or one in making), his own unique personality, and a story to rival most people. He has been on many adventures, his heart has been broken, and you can feel that every experience has led him to the man he is becoming. I get so excited to meet new Lost Boys and my heart breaks when they say goodbye.

There was one Anasazi Lost Boy whom I loved almost the moment I met him. He was big and burly. His hair was crazy (and just gets crazier by the day), his beard grew long, and loved to carry a knife w/him wherever he went. These were cool things about him but the thing I instantly noticed and love about him is his heart. His heart no only loves but listens. It is rare to find someone with a listening heart. He has sat with me many times and held my tears and his heart listened to mine. For this and many more reasons I love this Anasazi Lost Boy! Oh, he has crazy stories in his past, he has wandered on the land, but some how he found his way to Anasazi—home of the Lost Boys.

Recently, I went to lunch with 2 Anasazi Lost Boys. They no longer work on the trail, have cut their hair, are going to school, and all other sorts of big boy things but...they are still Anasazi Lost Boys to me! I sat there picturing them all dirty, scruffy, eating mad dog, drinking stream water, and tending to the fire. I am grateful these Lost Boys are my friends.

And so to all the Anasazi Lost Boys whom I love, and those I have yet to meet, I just want you to know that I adore you. I love your stories. I love your scraggly hair and beards. I love your willingness to be at the right place, for the right reason, at the right time. But mostly, I love your hearts!

...But I Prefer Not To Be

2012-01-14T23:27:00.004-07:00

It is only fair in response to my blog post, "I'd Rather Be Alone" to write the other side of the coin. While I learned and continue to learn how to be happy and single the truth is—I prefer not to be.

I have never been a big dater. Never one of those girls who got asked out a lot. Don't get me wrong I've had my fair share of dates—good & bad. As a result I haven't had a lot of boyfriends in my 16 years of dating (oh my heavens that is a lot of years of dating—blah).

Some of my boyfriends broke up with me but most I broke up with them. Some ended on amicable terms and some not so much. When I look back over my relationships I've been a part of—some romantic and some best friends—there are some small, yet significant, things I miss a lot when I'm single.

One of my boyfriends used to twist my ring in circles when he was holding my hand.

One time I told my best guy friend that he couldn't talk to me at during the week of finals (I needed to focus and got a little crazy around finals). I got home from school and there was a beautiful bouquet of roses on the table from him. He was just letting me know he cared and wished me well on my finals.

One of my boyfriends could sit with me and laugh, talk, tell stories, for hours. We didn't need to be "doing" something all the time. We thoroughly entertained ourselves.

One of best guy friends had this ability to be so present. He was an incredible listener. I learned to be okay with silence around him.

I had a boyfriend who loved to take walks with me. Sometimes he would hold my hand but other times he would just walk next to me and we would talk.

One of my best guy friends would sit down at the piano and sing with me for hours. It didn't matter how bad the day was once we got singing, and his family would join us, life was better.

These are just a few but I'm sure you get the point and relate in your own way.

When I'm single I miss physical touch. I miss having someone who is invested in me. I miss laughing—the kind you do with someone you feel comfortable with. I miss just being with someone and not needing to say anything. I miss having someone to report to at the end of the day. I miss having a partner in crime or someone with whom to schedule events. I miss being invested in them. I miss finding ways to make them smile, small gifts that matter to them. I miss getting all dressed/dolled up for date nights. There's a lot of things I miss being single.

So lest anyone reading my blog think I am pro single and anti relationship I hope this post helped clarify.

Why I Try Not To Come To Utah

2012-01-13T21:02:00.004-07:00

In the short amount of time I have been in UT I have been bombarded by lovely, sappy, in-love super young, couples (some w/adorable cute clothed kiddos). I try really hard to smile, tell myself it's okay that I'm single (you're getting a book published—be happy) but alas...REALLY!!!

They make it look so easy here. It just seems that everyone's doing it. Seriously, find your one true love, get married, have kids—easy peasy. I start to wonder if it's in the water, something in the cold air...I don't know but it makes me almost believe that it just happens here...ha ha.

So, to ease my mind and heart I listen to the 2 songs on repeat A LOT!

I'd Rather Be Alone

2012-01-13T19:08:00.003-07:00

A friend of mine wrote an awesome post on his Blog called, "Marrying to be Married." You should read it. He got the idea for his blog post from reading this Blog post titled, "Are you fighting for your marriage or for me?" This post is also an excellent read. Both Blog posts inspired me to write my own version

I'd rather be alone then be someone's trophy.

I'd rather be alone then be a placeholder

I'd rather be alone then stay in a relationship I know I need to end

I'd rather be alone then feel like I need to be self deprecating in order to get a compliment

I'd rather be alone...

I haver learned a few things from my many years of dating. One of the lessons I've learned is that I would rather be alone then be in a relationship that's okay or a marriage out of convenience. Relationships and marriage are work. I want to work with someone who wants to work with me—not against me or for me.

Mannadarlin wrote on her blog, the post I mentioned above, something I believe whole heartedly:"But there is something special about fighting for a person rather than fighting against losing a placeholder like a girlfriend/boyfriend or even just someone to spend time with in your life."

I have lived and seen this in relationships. Sometimes the fear of being alone is stronger than the knowledge or the spiritual promptings you are receiving to get out of a relationship. On the other hand I have been privy and have seen where people, out of fear, aren't willing to fight hard enough for a person in their relationship. Like most things in life—balance is best.

There is no room in this world to settle. No need to lower my standards, my expectations, my hopes, dreams, desires. I know they are not unrealistic so I would rather be alone until they are met!

My friend Daniel wrote on his Blog, also mentioned above, something that is also so very true: "When we finish a relationship, we are often distraught that we are are doomed to futher singledom. But, this is not the case. If the relationship ended, then you weren't meant to be married, and you're overall happier than you would be otherwise. Take everything from your failed relationships, square your shoulders, thank God for your life and health, and then face your next relationship with optimism and hope."

I have found that my best break-ups (though painful) were when I gave it all I had. I dug in. I was myself, weaknesses and all, I listened, I learned, I laughed, I shared, I worked on things I didn't do so well, and so forth. Then, when things didn't go as planned I walked away with my head held high.

I spent a few day crying or moping around—sure (that is healthy) but I didn't beat myself up or wonder unending about what I could have done differently, questioning my weight, my flaws, etc. When it was time I asked my ex-boyfriend what I could have done differently. When it was time I forgave him and myself. When it was time I realized we weren't the best for each other or I put my trust in God that things would work out.

When you are a healthy, whole person and enter a healthy relationship then you can give and take in an amazing manner. Then when you break up it isn't life shattering. You can learn, let go, and move on. You are better for your next relationship.

My Book is getting PUBLISHED!!

2012-01-13T17:30:00.002-07:00

For more information check out my Writing Blog!

2011 in Review

2011-12-31T19:09:00.003-07:00

2011 had its ups and downs.

Here is the year in review in not particular order:

Got 2 new jobs: Anasazi & E3 Imagine

Went to the Renaissance Festival

Got 2 Henna Tattoos

Went to the World Fest (Beer Fest)

Did a Walk for the America Liver Foundation

Went to Girls Camp

Cut bangs

Kissed a Cowboy

Did the Elpha Challenge

Started a Writing Blog

Re-did my room

Walked into a glass door

Finished writing a book

Painted a Chalkboard Wall

Wicked awesome "Suckerpunch" Halloween costumes w/ the roommates

Slide Rock in Sedona, AZ

I'm looking forward to this next year. I have created a special "Make it Happen" blog for the next year of my life. On this blog you can find my New Year's Resolutions or 32 goals that I want to make happen this next year!

I hope you have an opportunity to thank and love those who make a difference in your life. Here's to the next year! Happy New Years!

Kigatsuku & Kaizen

2011-12-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

Two of my favorite Japanese words are Kigatsuku & Kaizen. Kigatsuku means “an inner spirit to act without being told what to do.” (Chieko N. Okazaki). Kaizen means "improvement", or "change for the better" and refers to a philosophy or practices that focus upon continuous improvement of processes.

Here at E3 Imagine we believe in both philosophies at our very core! Each person on our team has worked very hard, brought with them their unique skills and abilities, and everyone has strived for the betterment of the whole. We are always coming up with new ideas, new ways to implement those ideas, and how to spread our message to the world.

Today is our LAUNCH DAY and we are very excited to offer you a FREE sample ebook. We also have 2 new ebooks available for purchase.

Please enjoy this wonderful video and Come back in the Spring of 2012 for our printed books!

DIY:Chalkboard Wall

2011-11-26T21:42:00.001-07:00

I'm not into crafts that much or DIY Projects but the other day I was sitting with a Young Walker (teenage client) and she said, "Your office is boring." I laughed (I just moved in) and then asked her what she would do with my office if she could. She suggested I paint one of my walls with Chalkboard paint. I loved the idea and thus it became.

Here is my office wall before.

Here's the midway point...the symbol is a heart at peace.

Here is my finished Chalkboard Wall!!

This project was really easy and cheap. I bought 2 small cans of Rust-Oleum Chalkboard paint, a roller brush, and a paint pan for $30.00. I have a ton of paint left over for other projects.

It didn't take me too long to pain the wall (lots of coats) and then I waited the allotted 4 hours before I could put on the 2nd coat of paint. I am really excited for it dry completely so I can write on it.

My "Trail Week"

2011-11-16T20:09:00.001-07:00

I took a "trail week" this week. What does that mean (you may be asking)? Well, I work for an incredible organization called Anasazi. We are a wilderness therapy organization and we work with incredible families and their children. I am a therapist at Anasazi and absolutely LOVE my job.

My contract as a therapist ran out and so I was training and working on skills so that I could go out on the trail as a Trail Walker. (As a side note some of the trail walkers I have met at Anasazi are the most incredible, real, and talented people I know.) A Trail Walker goes out on the trail for 8 days (Wed-Wed) and is off the trail for 6 days. When they are out on the trail there is no contact with the "world." They don't have cell phones, computers, ipods, etc. They have what they can carry on their backs and nature—it is an unreal and unbelievable experience.

Well, as life would have it I was re-hired as a Therapist at Anasazi before I could be a trail walker. So I decided that I would take a "trail week" this past week. I didn't get on Facebook, watch TV, listen to music in my care, etc. I even gave my phone to friend for a few days. In essence, I tried to get away from the world for 8 days. As a result here are a few things I learned:

I am much more effective with my time with no distractions
I am able to do things I love (play piano, read, have long chats w/friends) when I make time for them
I am completely disconnected to the outside world and therefore miss important details
It became apparent that I miss certain people
My thoughts are more focused and in tune with God's will
The world didn't stop or end without me online (ha ha I knew this was true already)
I felt the spirit more and felt more guided.
Some media is not bad and actually really needed for me in my life
It is an inconvenience for people in my life for me to be disconnected
I was able to listen much better with less distractions and less noise
Rejection means you put something out there (received my first book rejection)
I need to for sure take more "trail weeks"

The biggest thing I noticed is how happy I could be with so little. I found myself driving down the road, sun shining on my face, and smiling. I am so blessed.

Fractured Faith

2011-11-08T18:28:00.000-07:00

In the past few months of my life I have had a few key thoughts, lines of a song, scriptures, etc running through my mind:

"Fear ye not, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord...The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace." (Exodus 14: 13-14)

"Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on! The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on! Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene; one step enough for me." (Hymn #97)

"Lord, I believe; help Thou mine unbelief." (Matthew 9:24)

"Be not afraid, only believe." (Mark 5:36)

You can probably see the pattern. I have been lacking faith and patience in my own life. As a therapist I spend my days listening to others peoples problems, sorrows, etc. I try to exhort patience, empathy, sympathy, and a listening ear. When I get home and need to deal with my personal life I find I have no patience left for myself. I wrestling with the Lord and want Him to make things happen in my life that I think will make me happy.

I want a regular, adult-like job, where I get paid a salary and I don't have to scrip to pay my rent and feed myself. I want a man in my life who wants to be with me, who I confide in, who will protect me from the world, and listen to my heart. I want the Lord to fix/stop the hurting hearts of those around me that I adore. I have the hardest time watching people I love suffer.

After I have thrashed around enough with God and I'm exhausted the above words come to my heart and mind. I KNOW of their truth and comfort but for whatever reason I can't seem to let them in. To borrow a phrase from one of my mentors (Chris Wallace)—I have "Fractured Faith."

I don't want that kind of faith. I want the faith that moves mountains, parts the sea, closes the mouths of lions, and raises people from the dead. I want a Fortress of Faith! I want to be believing. I want to be patient. I want to be happy with one step of light ahead of me instead of wanting the entire path to be lit. So I been really trying to be present in my life. I have tried really hard to be vulnerable, open, honest, and more patient with myself. I continue to fail but try again.

To help I decided to start what I call a Patience Project.

I never grew up in a family that puts puzzles together. We pretty much all have ADHD and this would have never happened in our family. So I never really got the value of puzzles. Then a good friend of mine, Lincoln, introduced me to the magic of puzzles. It is less about the puzzle (though they are awesome—especially if they glow-in-the-dark) and more about the entire experience. Sometimes it's about the people you put the puzzle together with and other times it's just about slowing down and using your hands to create. To me a 1000 piece puzzle= patience.

My patience project is about time I set aside for me. It is time I let other things drop out of my life. It is time to be creative and practice patience. Don't get me wrong this puzzle is also frustrating to me. The puzzle I chose is 87% blue pieces and I have no idea how I am going to put it together but I always remind myself, like life, one piece at a time, one step at a time. When it gets too frustrating I leave it alone next to my bed and do something else. But lately, I find myself more and more comfortable sitting down with my patience project puzzle.

How old are you?

2011-10-24T16:26:00.000-07:00

To my friends who are no longer allowed in "singles wards":

So I was in the stall at church and there were these two girls talking about age and how old was old and such.

"So at what age do you think you will feel old if you're not married?" Asked one of the girls and before the other girl could answer she continued. "I always thought that if I reached 26 and I wasn't married that I'd feel really old (yes she did make the emphasis). It means that you are no longer in your early 20's but now in your late 20's. I just dread being 26."

"Yeah, I'm a little worried about turning 25—I'm not excited about that, but at least I have a few years before I have to worry about that."

I'm sure they said more but I was stuck thinking...I am 5 years (and closer to 32 by the day) older than the girl's dreaded "old" age. I waited until the girls left the bathroom and then laughed to myself and wanted to tell those girls—married—not married you are going to get older and if you are dreading it—it's gonna be rough!

Forever Strong Principles

2011-10-24T16:16:00.004-07:00

I wrote this a year ago but for whatever reason didn't post it so I thought it pertinent in my life to post it today.

Tonight instead of partying up for Halloween I stayed home sick. I decided to watch the movie, "Forever Strong" and thought it was a great movie. Highland Rugby Coach Larry Gelwix had some inspirational quotes that are called Gelwixism:

“Good decisions don’t make life easy, but they do make it easier.”

“The true test of a man is what he will do when no one will know.”

“The essence of a lie is not the words you choose, but the message you convey.”

“If you lose your integrity, you’ve lost everything.”

“I want you to be forever strong on the field, so that you will be forever strong off the field.”

In the Bonus section of the movie (yes I'm a nerd and checked that section out) Coach Gelwix shares 6 of his principles. I love them and try to live them.

Don't Play with Snakes

Don't Lie

Don't Do Anything to Embarrass Your Family

Attitude and Effort are Everything

Choose Wisely

Focus on the Final Score

Being In Tune

2011-10-24T16:12:00.001-07:00

My roommate Alycesun said this comment, "Being in tune is so much better than being a big thing...being, seeing, feeling—much better." I like that

Anasazi Skills Camp & Fire Council

2011-09-30T09:52:00.001-07:00

The past 3 days I have been living in the wilderness with Anasazi. It was really awesome. I learned all kinds of new skills. I went out on the trail M-W. I figured I'd use the time to learn things about being on the trail I didn't know so I would be ready to TW in Nov.

We had 3 stations the 3 different bands rotated on Tuesday and Wednesday. Monday we did all the setting up and making the spots look great and set up tarps for shade etc.

Station 1: (T-Bird/Brittany)
Tuesdays—T-Bird taught beading on a loom and we all made these awesome beaded bracelets.

Wednesday—Brittany taught leather sewing and we mad these little purse bag things. I didn't actually get to do this b/c I was doing my therapy sessions.

Station 2: (Thomas)
Thomas did pottery both days and taught about the different stages of making, burnishing, painting, and baking the pottery. I'm excited to get my pottery back!

Station 3: (Spencer)
Tuesday— Spencer taught us how to make Antler handled knives.

Wednesday—Spencer/ Hannah taught us how to make sheaths for our knives. I also did't get to do this b/c I was doing a therapy session. Spencer told me he would teach me how to do it later so I can sheath my antler handled frost.

Fire Council:
Wednesday night we had a fire council first for the girls & boys band and then next for the Sinagua band. It was really awesome. Ezekiel, his wife, Lehi, Rachel, and Moroni Sanchez were there.

We had tiki torches leading them into the council, staff had their faces painted, and the spirit was really strong. One girl YW & one boy YW tried busting to start the fire (gift of light) but neither of them, after trying in the dark for a long time, could bust. So we borrowed a coal from another fire and then had them do the tender bundle part and eventually we had this huge bonfire.

Then Ezekiel and Pauline both talked and told these great stories. Pauline signed in Navajo as Rachel sang a song. Then we closed the council with giving everyone a necklaced. Afterward the YWs and their TWs were given hot chocolate in their cups (it was really cold and they loved it).

The second fire council was a bit different but same idea. It was pretty incredible to be a part of the skills camp and fire council. Even though I was freezing at night I really love being out on the trail and look forward to being a Trail Walker.
I learned how to build a shelter from a tarp

I learned to make lots of different food recipes in my cup

I made an antler handled knife

This is the necklace I received at the end of Fire Council

I beaded this bracelet on a loom. the acronym stands for Listen More Talk Less

This is the fish trap I made from willow

Start Something That Matters

2011-09-23T14:37:00.001-07:00

Today I saw this video when I was checking out TOMS website. I felt inspired. I went and bought Blake's book, "Start Something That Matters," and I read it in one sitting. It is full of inspiration and fabulous ideas. You should read it!

And so...

I want to introduce you to a new organization that is truly doing something that matters. I'm currently a volunteer for this brilliant, beautiful, and inspiring company.

E3 Imagine is an educational organization that follows TOMS One forOne model. For every children's book you buy we will give a child a book. I am working on the humanitarian side of things but we are involved in schools, travel, education, and most importantly doing something that matters. Check out E3 Imagine!!

2011-09-22T00:28:00.002-07:00

Okay isn't my niece Eden the cutest girl ever!!!!

The Room Whisperer

2011-09-21T20:48:00.001-07:00

My roommate Alycesun Marie Clare is seriously wicked awesome and talented. She has a gift for design and she is a room whisperer. She has organized and decorated my room twice and both times I have absolutely LOVED it!

My room was in a serious need of change both from an organizational point of view and from a Feng Shui/Chi feel. So the other night my roommates helped me take everything out of my room and start from scratch. Alycesun helped to open up a lot of space in my room (we got rid of my dresser) and make it so that it had a lot more space for positive chi flow. I love it! Check out some of the details:

I told her she could move anything and put up anything but I had to have my cork board.
She added the records b/c I love music and this is my Creative Wall.

Alycesun actually made the "Make it Happen" sign for me.
It is currently my life motto. This is my Affirmation Wall or the wall that helps remind me to simplify, relax, love, and enjoy life!

I had never been a big pillow girl before but Alycesun convinced me that I would love having lots of pillow on my bed and she was most definitely right. My bed is now the center and focal point of my room. Don't worry there will be more pillows in the future. I am looking for the perfect lime green pillow.

This is my Travel Wall. Alycesun actually made the 4 Italy framed pictures.
I love this black & white picture often called "The Kiss."
The bottom photo is by Brad Burnham.

This is my workspace area and as such is the most cluttered. This is my Pear Wall. Alycesun did such a great job of incorporating the lime green color all throughout my room. She was able to recycle a lot of the things I already had up on my walls. The plaque above my computer says Harmony and check out how big my bamboo plant is growing.

I can't even begin to tell you the trouble that this little white bookshelf caused all of us. I think we moved it a gazillion times. I couldn't part with it though because my emeritus best friend gave it to me and it means a lot to me. Besides that I have a lot of books and they need a home. Check out my awesome purple globe—thanks Miranda!

Do you want an appointment with the Room Whisperer?

Now that you have seen some of her handy work let me tell you how she can bring magic into your life. Alycesun can breathe new life into any room. Does your office space need some re-organizing? Does your bedroom need a face-lift? Do you just need to breathe new life into your house? Alycesun does things on a budget and you will love what she can do. Let me know if you are interested?

Men of Valor

2011-09-18T22:55:00.002-07:00

Part of being a 31 year old single adult in the Mormon church is people trying to figure out why you are not married. If they love you, think you are talented and beautiful, then it must not be anything you are doing wrong but it must be that the guys in the church are "stupid, lazy, crazy...." and so forth. I can't tell you how many times I have heard this excuse. It's as if people, in their need to comfort me, feel that putting down the men of the church, will make me feel better. Sure there are men out there who are lazy, stupid, and all the other words I have heard preached to me but there are also men of valor.

There are men who stop whatever they are doing at midnight to come and give my roommate a blessing. There are men who leave everything in their life behind to serve extremely hard and amazing awesome missions. There are men who love their wives with all their hearts. There are men who give their children Father's blessings, school blessings, and blessings for the sick. There are men who mow lawns, paint walls, hold hands with their girlfriends, sit through Sunday School, and use the Priesthood of God. There are men who actually date. There are men who listen, serve where they are needed, and put God first in their lives. I LOVE these men!

A while back I worked at a Domestic Violence Shelter as a therapist for victims of DV and their children. I listen in horror as these women told their stories of violence. I saw the bruises on their bodies, I hear the anguish in their voices, and spend time with their traumatized children. At the same, to gain a balanced perspective I was also working with the offenders of DV crimes. I sat in groups with men who had committed heinous crimes and listened as they described violence unspeakable by their own hands. I tried to be professional but there were moments when I wanted to throw-up because of the things some of these men had done. They were at various stages of change and I prayed before, during, and after every group that I would be able to see these men as children of God. Every time the group was over I called my father, who I love with all my heart, to tell him I love him and thank him for being such a wonderful man. Then I would call my best friend to him how much I appreciate his goodness. I knew that if I let myself I would end up hating men after going to those horrible groups—instead I chose to love the valiant men in my life.

And so while I do get frustrated waiting for a man in my life, and while I sometimes laugh or nod in agreement when people place the blame for my singleness on men, I need everyone to know that I know there are men of valor out there. I know there are men who love God, who are trying to chose the right in the face evil. I know there are men who abhor pornography, say no to drugs, serve others, and work hard. I know there are men who love their mothers, respect their fathers, and treat their sisters like queens. I know there are men who read their scriptures, say their prayers, and show up at the temple.

And so tonight, for whatever reason, I want to thank the men of valor in my life. Thank you for putting God first. Thank you for seeing the good in me. Thank you for being a man that I can trust, love, look up to, and believe in.

Sanctify Yourselves

Grief

2011-09-17T23:31:00.001-07:00

A big part of the new fiction novel I'm writing is about grief, loss, love, healing, and how when tragedy strike things get all jumbled up. Faith falters, people rise to occasion or they crumble under the stress. Everyone grieves differently.

It is strange the things you remember in times of deep dispair. I remember the week my brother died that we go so much food that it was rotting on our counter b/c we couldn't fit it into our fridge. I remember literally praying that people would stop bringing over flowers b/c they just ended up dying all over our house. I remember thinking that I hated people b/c they said the stupidest things in the most inappropriate times. I remember wishing someone would help my sister find a way to sleep b/c she had been awake for days on end. These are the things I was thinking about b/c the alternative, at the time, was too painful.

As I write about grief I it is hard to go back there—to the funeral, the days before, the days after. I have always wanted to write something that had to do with healing and hope that this new book will do it justice.

For those of you who have grieved and stood on the precipice of despair I am wondering what random thoughts consumed your mind and heart. I want to capture grief in its most naked and vulnerable state. If you are willing to share I would appreciate your feedback.

Traces of Memories

2011-09-13T19:59:00.002-07:00

In general I have a terrible memory. Like my mom used to always say, "If it isn't on the calendar then it doesn't happen." I have to write things down, blog, keep a journal in order for me to remember important events in my life. However, I find that when a memory is shared with someone I love sometimes it attaches itself to something else, like an object, smell, song, etc. and is vividly remembered later. Let me share some examples.

The other day I wore a BYU hat that belonged to my brother Grant. A friend of my, noticing my hat, said, "Wow, that is old school." Almost instantly memories of my brother cheering for BYU in the Lavell Edwards Stadium flooded my mind. It's almost as if the memory of my brother and BYU games are imprinted on that hat.

Years ago a boyfriend of mine, at the time, asked me what my favorite smell was (up to that moment I don't think I had ever been asked that question before) and so I thought about it for a while. I told him I loved the smell of Lemon Trees in San Diego. A while later he went to CA for a photography shoot and when he returned he gave me a plate (in the shape of a green leaf) that had lemons hand-picked from a Lemon Tree. Whenever I smell lemons I think of that loving gesture.

I love trains! I think I have always loved them. One time my sister and I drove out to Fort Bridger, WY to visit some friends. While we were there we rode horses and then when it got dark we loaded up in a truck and drove to the middle of nowhere. We got out of the truck and were herded into this cave-like place to wait. We were instructed to hold onto something sturdy. So I did and all of a sudden I heard the loudest sounds rushing over me and everything was shaking, like an earthquake. Then there were sparks flying around me and it was wicked awesome. Before I could wrap my head around what had just happened the train was rushing away. We had been sitting underneath the rail road tracks. Whenever I see a train I think of that exhilarating moment.

Sometimes a shared memory can transform an ordinary experience or place into something magical. There is a movie theater near my house that my roommates and I go to often. One day I went there to watch a movie with my boyfriend at the time. The movie was good—though I don't remember much about it but afterwards we were holding hands, laughing, and just talking with each other. We stood there talking and laughing in the parking lot for ages and then I sat on the trunk of my car and we kissed, like we were 2 teenagers, shamelessly while cars honked their horns and people whistled. I can't help but smile whenever I am in that movie theater parking lot.

I'm not a huge ice cream or chocolate fan but when I was living in Jerusalem for my study abroad I was introduced to this ice cream, Carmel, chocolate dream on a stick called, Magnum Bars. I fell in love and wanted to know what the secret ingredient was that made it taste like a piece of heaven. Well they have now come to the states and when I see them through the window of the freezer section at the store I can't help but connect them to Jerusalem and all my incredible memories there.

My mom's dad died when I was 8 years old but I loved him more than my little body could handle. I don't remember hardly anything about him but I think of him whenever I get the urge to pour water on someone. Whenever I was at his house he would fill a tall glass of water and drink it all except for a little bit in the bottom of his glass. Then, when I would least expect it, he would sneak up and pour it on my head. I am sure he had no idea what those moments/memories would hold for me.

There are so many more to share and write down but you get the idea. Sometimes when we share moments, even the simplest things, with those we love traces of those memories are captured in ordinary objects or moments in time where your heart takes a picture. No longer is a lemon just a lemon or an ice cream bar just a treat. They are forever changed and harbor some of our most cherished memories.

Today I am grateful for the ordinary things, places, smells, people, etc. that hold traces of priceless memories!

Remember

2011-09-11T12:11:00.002-07:00

Here are two poems I wrote in the past to express some of my feelings about September 11, 2001:

Remember me when the day is done

When your laughing heart is free

Remember me when the day begins

The flag flies for liberty

Remember me when you're free to roam

When you can worship where you may

Remember me when you take a stand

And have freedom of speech to say

Remember me when you make a choice

When you kneel down to pray

Remember me when it's not so easy

I died so you could live this way

(September 11, 2002)

The best laid plans fail

The most sacred memories fade

And even with you least expect it

Towers crumble before your eyes

But...

Patriotism with bind souls

Remembrance will sear hearts together

And even though the world is ugly

Love still conquerors all

(September 11, 2006)

Raising Expectations

2011-09-06T17:15:00.002-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about the idea of raising expectations. I recently read an article about Brandon Davies returning to BYU after he broke the Honor Code. In the article there was a powerful quote:

Something the late, great tennis start Arthur Ashe used to argue all the time: If you demand more from people, people will rise to meet the higher standards. You can get what you insist upon. So don't sell people's capacity to do the right thing short. People do summon their best selves when it's required of them.

I not only believe in what Arthur Ashe said but I have seen it in my life as well as the livewss of many others. I have a friend who, in his limited spare time, is a personal trainer. I was training to run in a 12 man relay time a few months ago and asked him to help me set up a strenghts training plan. He went to my gym with me a few times to help me figure out how to use the equipment and what worked best for my body. I was amazed at the things he could get me to do. I did more reps, lifted more, had more endurance, and much more flexibility when he was asking for it then I had even been able to do on my own. He had high expectations for me and I rose to them.

People have a way of rising to expectations. There is something in us that wants to succeed. Through the years of working with teenagers I am continually amazed at what happens when expectations are raised and what happens when there is not expectations.

As a young Seminary (religion) Teacher I went to a Church Education System (CES) AKA Seminaries and Institutes training. To this day I remember the way the spirit touched me as to the truth of the words that Elder Eyring was teaching me. In an inspiring talk, "Raising Expectations," Elder Eyring said,

In the days ahead, the Lord will raise the spiritual bar again and again. And our youth will rise higher and higher to more than clear that rising expecation. They will make the choices to receive the promised spiritual outpouring deep in their hearts. Ours sons and daughters will prophesy, and our young men shall see visions. The questions for us are these: Will those young people feel by what we have said and done that we expected it? And with the Lord say tha twe rose to the best we could be an that He expected us to show them how? I have assurance that we will rise to that expectation.

I absolutely love teaching youth/teenagers, in any capacity. I love being an adolescent therapist. I learn so much from the youth I serve and I'm trying to have high expectations for them. In turn, they hold high expectations of me!

I sometimes wonder if I hold high enough expectations for myself? I think it might be time to raise the expectations.

Do You Have A Favorite Emotion?

2011-09-03T19:54:00.003-07:00

Over the years I have collected strange favorites. For example I have a favorite English and Japanese word. In English my favorite word is Remember. In Japanese my favorite word is Kigatsuku. My favorite number is 8. My favorite color is purple. My favorite vehicle is a train. the list goes on but you see...most of you probably don't have a favorite vehicle, Japanese word, or even favorite English word.

Lately, I think I've discovered my favorite emotion—and if we are being technical it is actually a secondary emotion. My favorite emotion is anger. It's not my favorite because I feel it often or I like it. It's become my favorite—especially as a an adolescent therapist—because I can do something with that emotion. Anger tells me something about my client. Anger is a motivator. Anger usually brings about some kind of drive, passion, action, etc.

When I am working with clients who are depressed, sad, lethargic, etc. it is hard to motivate them. It is difficult to get to the root of the problem and it is hard to help them to make needed changes in their lives.

Don't get me wrong anger, because it is a secondary emotion, covers up the actual emotions you are feeling or trying to express. However, bring on the anger because then we can talk about the real underlying emotion. Bring on the anger because then maybe you actually cry or punch something or deal with your emotions. Bring on the anger because then you begin to be honest and get into a healthy emotional place.

I'd rather be angry any day over feeling reject, depressed, or forgotten

I FINISHED MY BOOK!!!

2011-08-20T21:43:00.003-07:00

I FINISHED MY BOOK!! I can now say I have written a 194 page book!! I printed out my first complete copy tonight at 9:27 PM August 20, 2011. It is an incredible feeling to finally be done and to have accomplished one my life goals! Thank you to everyone who helped in some capacity to make this happen!

Tender Mercies

2011-08-19T19:47:00.003-07:00

While watching a movie recently a line stuck out to me. It said, " When God has something to teach me He usually provides a teacher." I LOVE that and it is so true in my life.

For a long time I have been struggling for the right job, the right place to live, the right guy to date, and so forth. I have been happy but struggling with what direction(s) to take with my life. I thought that once I got my Masters degree I would go out and get a big girl job and move forward. What I go instead was lots of bills to pay, rent, complications, looking for a job where I can use my degree, and so forth. I ended up working at a job where I make the same money I did before I went to grad school. Let's just say things in my life weren't looking so great. I had faith that things would work out but was feeling sorry for myself.

Then came the testing. I felt like the Lord just kept closing door after door in my life and I was desperate to find an open window. Then I discovered Anasazi and applied for a job. When I got the job I found my window and jumped through it. I had no idea the joy that would await me or the tender mercies the Lord had in store for me. I had lessons to learn and God was providing me a teacher.

Now I have been working for Anasazi for a few months, I am learning so much, I met a wonderful guy who treats me like a queen, and I can't believe how happy I am. Both the job and the guy may be leaving my life very soon. The job is only a summer contract job and the guy is leaving the state for education. While I will be devastated at the loss of either of them I can't help but smile at what the Lord has placed in my life. I am better because of both!

And so as I embark on possibly losing them both I hope I have enough faith and trust in the Creator to understand and appreciate the blessings in my life. Truly God has given me tender mercies!

You know you have been single for a long time when...

2011-06-24T19:39:00.003-07:00

You no longer sneak into the movie theater when the lights are out so that no one can see that you came alone.
You stop spreading out your purse, jacket, etc. all over the chairs around you at a restaurant to look like someone will be joining you
You go to a wedding reception alone, compliment the groom's (close friend from my Boston days) mother on how beautiful her yard looks, and she looks around and asks,

Groom's Mother: "So who are you here with?"

Me: "No one, I am here alone."

Groom's Mother: "oh, well that was brave!"

Any more....

Sometimes...

2011-05-31T18:11:00.005-07:00

Sometimes I find myself just wanting to say my brother's name out loud—Grant, Granty, Grant Marcus

Sometimes I miss him something fierce. His skinny long legs, his never ending questions, his annoying bugging, and his sweet, sweet hugs

Sometimes I catch myself thinking of how old he would be today and try as I might I can't picture him. I can only see him as a scrawny 15 year old boy

Sometimes I want to tell someone about him just to talk about him—to acknowledge his existence, but how do you do that. How do you talk to someone about that

Sometimes I hear a song, watch a movie, see a boy, and it almost feels like the wind is being knocked out of my chest. I am surprised at how fast I am back laughing with Grant or watching him stand like a flamingo in front of the TV

Always I am grateful he is my brother for eternity

Wind & The Sacred Wind

2011-05-31T15:13:00.002-07:00

I spend the last 4 days living in the Wilderness. I was a Trail Walker and I was on a Rabbit Stick Walking with Anasazi. It was amazing! It was hot, cold, and nats ate us alive. We hiked, cooked food off a propane stove, and slept on the ground. Many things happened that just can't be explained but there was one thing I would like to share.

At Anasazi we talk about something called the Sacred Wind or in other words you may call it the Spirit. I love talking about, listening to, and learning from the Sacred Wind.

This week out in the desert there were SO MANY nats out it was crazy beans. I mean it when I say that we were eaten alive. I came home with about 75 nat bites all in the area of about 3 inches from my wrists up, a few on my face, about 15 on my neck and collar bone area, and a few more on my legs. This is minimum compared to most. I wore a light bright green scarf around my face shoulders and neck, sort of like a hijab, almost every minute. It was hot and sometimes hard to breath but I am so glad b/c it really saved me. some of the TW were just covered in nat bites, some had swollen eyes, and they looked like they had either super bad acne or chicken pox.

One night there was this amazing wind that came through my camp throughout the night and it was so amazing and needed. Every time the wind would blow through our camp it would take the nats with it. So I would pray that the wind would come and give us some reprieve. As I was praying and hoping for the wind to come I couldn't help compare it to the Sacred Wind.

When I feel the spirit or when it touches my heart it is such a reprieve, it brings peace and direction in my life. It also helps me to steer clear of the nats. As I sat there feeling the wind on my hot itchy skin I was so grateful. I was grateful for the cool wind and for the gift of the Sacred Wind in my life.

I LOVE my job!

2011-05-25T17:16:00.002-07:00

My amazing sister, Chelsea, recently wrote a great blog about jobs. She writes about her idea of a "Utopian ideology" where everyone would be able to work at jobs they love and are passionate about. Not only would they get to work at these jobs but they would get paid and love what they do.

Being a social worker I can't tell you how many times people have said to me, "I am so glad you do what you do because..." then they say things like "I could never do that", or "you really don't get paid enough" or "I couldn't do it because I need to make more money." I don't spend too much time thinking about how little money I make since I knew what I was getting myself into.

However, I do spend a LOT of time trying to figure out why there is so much drama, red tape, bureaucracy, and incompetent people. I can't understand why some programs are run so ineffectual. When I'm in a job like this I can't help but think—sometimes—about how little I get paid to jump through hoops.

Then I come across a job like being a Shadow at Anasazi and I can't imagine myself doing anything else. I absolutely LOVE my job. I love every annoying aspect of the red tape, the training, the lack of space, the new people, figuring out the computers, phones, etc. I love the monotony of policies and procedures, trying to figure out where I fit in in the big non-profit, and the fact that I will, yet again, make little to no money.

I find myself over and over again thinking...I am actually getting paid to:

walk in the wilderness
learn to survive primitively
have an outdoor office where I sit on a blanket and do a session with an adolescent
spend the entire day sharing "seeds of greatness" (strengths) with adolescents
work with amazing co-workers who are passionate about the outdoors, living in a way that is an example to youth, and come from amazing backgrounds with even more amazing stories to tell
be part of an amazing legacy
and so much more...

Only when I realize I need to pay bills or I need to fill my gas tank do I stop to remember that I am barely making ends meet. I can handle this though b/c the pay off for having a job that I adore, and feel like is home, makes up the difference.

And so as I embark on this new adventure I just wanted to say that I am truly grateful for my new job, the journey it has taken me to get here, and for the lessons I am learning and will continue to learn.

Burn The Ships

2011-05-14T16:22:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow I start a new job! I am really nervous b/c the training for this job takes me out in the field trail walking for multiple days in a row w/ really nothing but my shirt of my back. Part of me is prepared (remember my summer job on the Apache Reservation) and excited and the other part of me is nervous and concerned (I think I may be a bit to old for this??).

Taking this summer job has been a step of faith for me. Yesterday was my last day at the job I've been working at for the past year. I have known for a while that I need a new job, a more challenging situation, and a job that would pay me more money. I have been looking for a clinical job for over a year now. Things just haven't worked out.

Many times I have been tempted to just forget the whole social work thing and just find another job that is closer to where I live and pays more money. But then I think of the 2 years I spent on my Masters degree, all the opportunities that have led me to where I am, and most importantly how much I love being a clinician with adolescents.

So I made a decision and I decided to "burn the ships" and forge ahead. In his book, Leadership, Sterling R. Sill talks about the idea of burning ships. He writes,

When Caesar went to capture Britain, he first landed him men and then unloaded his supplies. Then in the night he sent out men and burned the ships in which they had come. Then death was the only Roman alternative to victory. Under such circumstances most men fight with a vigor that never knows defeat.

I want to be a great therapist so I can't settle for some job that doesn't utilize my abilities or where there is not room to grow or progress. If that means I quit a full time job, with benefits, and security to go be a clinician with the same pay, no benefits, and only for the summer—then so be it. I choose to move forward and burn the ships. There is no way for me to go back now all I can do is move forward.

I am nervous and excited to begin this new adventure with the Anasazi Foundation and have faith that when the summer is over things will work out the way they should!

Do You Have To Do It To Help Somebody Get Through It?

2011-04-22T16:21:00.002-07:00

Today at work I was having a conversation with a coworker. He was saying that he wanted to be a substance abuse counselor someday in the future. He went on to say that he didn't think someone could be effective at helping kids overcome substance abuse if they hadn't done drugs themselves. He went on to say that he thought the best Licence Substance Abuse Counselors (LISAC) he'd ever seen help kids were the ones who were the worst drug addicts when they were younger. I listened to him explain and shared a few of my thoughts.

What do you think? Do you have to do something or be something in order to help someone? Can a single person be an effective marriage counselor? Can you help kids with substance abuse if you've never done drugs yourself? I am very interested in what you think so please comment!

Grateful

2011-04-18T18:34:00.004-07:00

Some of the reasons I'm grateful:

The other day I sent my Dad a text:

I need some guidance dad.

I feel a bit lost in my life.

Things aren't too bad I just need a plan.

He called me back and told me I could move home into the extra bedroom. I laughed—which was much better than crying because my dad seems to know exactly what to say. I told him I couldn't move home b/c I'm 31 and people just don't do that. He told me he figured I'd say that and that I would realize things could be much worse. He was right, I was left smiling, and once again Father knows best! This experience is just one of the many reasons I adore and am grateful for my Dad!

I swap shifts with a coworker so I wasn't with my students for two days. Upon returning one of my ragamuffins told me that he missed my meanness! I'll take it! He missed me and for a moment being missed really mattered. I am grateful for being missed!

Along the same vein I left work the other night and notice a note in my purse. I opened and read it and got a little teary-eyed (no I did not cry). It was from an intern who just wanted to let me know that they noticed the difference I make. The validation couldn't have come at a more needed time. I am grateful for people who validate!

I am in the process of sending my book manuscript to publishers. In the wake of things my family has gotten excited and volunteered their services. My mom, a bit worried about my frequent spelling errors, volunteered to be my human spell check and two of my sisters wanted to read a few chapters and give some feedback. I am grateful for a loving and supportive family!

Whenever my roommate comes home she plops herself at the end of my bed, on my desk chair, or on the floor and she shares all the days dealings. I love these moments and know I will theses days in the future. I am grateful for someone who loves me enough to share their life, the exciting things, the drama, and the mundane.

I am sure there are many more things but for now I am just wanted to share my grateful heart!

Faith and Patience

2011-04-08T19:40:00.004-07:00

I am trying to have faith—to believe that God has a plan. At times I think I'm failing and then the Lord gives me a tender mercy/validation that I'm on the right path.

In an earlier post I talked about being reject by a wonderful non-profit for a clinician position and at the same time being offered a different position. What I didn't mention is that the job required me to work on Sundays. This isn't an issue for everyone but for me I struggled a bit. The job offered wasn't the best hours but the pay was significantly greatly than I make now and I would have one clinical day a week to work with clients and get clinical experience. I would also be supervising 8-9 people and gain much needed supervision experience.

I talked to many people about whether or not to take this job and everyone had sage advice. The job was offered Wednesday. On Friday I decided I would let the HR know that I'm interested in the job but wouldn't be able to work on Sundays due to previous religious comittments. They responded positively and said they were working out bugs in the schedule and would let me know by the end of next week what they decided.

So I had a questions and prayers in my heart as I headed into General Conference, a broadcast every 6 months where the Prophet speaks to the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It didn't take long for the Lord to reassure my heart and my decision about working on Sunday. The very first Conference talk, The Sabbath and the Sacrament, was about keeping the Sabbath (Sunday) day holy and the importance of Sundays. I know that talk was for everyone in the church but I also know that talk was for ME!

Today I got a call from the wonderful non-profit and they let me know that they gave the job to someone who was willing to work Sundays. They were kind to me and told me to keep in touch and that they would for sure let me know if they have a clinician spot that opens up. I thanked them for their time and hung up. Once off the phone I had mixed emotions. I feel like I made the right choice, and that the Lord validated my choice, but sometimes it is difficult to have faith and be patient.

Turning Point

2011-04-04T17:55:00.002-07:00

My roommates and I were watching conference together and afterward there was a show called Turning Point that came on BYUTV. We were immediately drawn in by the cinematography, music, and curious about where the show was going. So—we just kept right on watching, crying, and loving every minute of the great 1 hr show.

I hope if you are reading this you take 1 hour out of your busy life and watch this amazing show about 2 different turning points in peoples lives and how those turning points changed and continues to change the lives of so many others.

I think this documentary touched my heart so much because it spoke to my soul. I am passionate about adoption and believe in the power of love. I also work with kids, though not wheelchair bound, who are broken on the inside even though they may look okay on the outside. Like the "Eagle Eye" children, broken on the outside but intelligent on the inside, the kids I work with need a lot of love, patience, and someone to help them learn how to deal with their emotions.

I love how this documentary was filmed. My roommates and I were on pins and needles waiting to see what was going to happen next. I just sat and watched pure goodness and my eyes got a bit leaking. I hope you enjoy!

Rejected

2011-03-31T18:56:00.002-07:00

In a matter of a few weeks I have been rejected from three jobs all of which I made it to the last round of interviews. One rejection came in the form of a mailed letter. Another came in the form of an email. The lastest one (today), and my favorite kind, came face to face.

The first two rejections said they decided to hire someone with more experience. bummer. Today I went in for a second round interview. The weirdest thing happened. The interviewer (CEO of the Non Profit) told me something like this: We have good and bad news. The bad news is we hired a clinician about 1 hour ago. She previously worked here, was trying to spread her wings, but decided to come back. We were planning on hiring you as of 2 hours ago. You can imagine I was wondering what the good new would be....Come to find out they had another position (non clinical) that they were offering me to consider. Wow! That was not expected.

Regardless of how things turn out I have been thinking a lot today about the effects of rejection. Does rejection make you stronger? Does it bring out the best in you--the will to work harder and prove others wrong? Does it crumple you? Does it make you nit-pick at yourself?

How do you deal with rejection??

Validation

2011-03-30T16:33:00.001-07:00

I haven't shared this video in a long time so it's due. The reason for sharing this life-altering-perspective-changing video was something that happened at work today.

I was swinging next a girl in the class that I'm a TA for at my job. A couple kids came up complaining of this or that while I was on the swing. After a few moments in silence she said, "Ms. Kylee you are good at that." I smiled and said, "Good at what?" She said, "You hardly say anything at all but you listen and then when you do speak it matters and it makes a difference."

Wow! I have to tell you folks that I really needed to hear that today! I needed to hear that what I was doing mattered to someone else. She made my day and again I was reminded at much validation matters!

Find The Best

2011-03-12T22:57:00.003-07:00

Just in case you missed it in my last post I started a new blog, Find The Best, all about books, writing, and all kinds of literature stuff. Come over and check it out!

What Have I Been Doing?

2011-03-11T22:09:00.005-07:00

Lately I have been reading a LOT. I have been reading books I've borrow, bought, or received as gifts and have been sitting on my shelves for a long time. I think now that I'm almost a year past Grad School I am ready to dive back into the world of reading for pleasure! In particular I have been reading a lot of ARC's lately that I got for free when I went to an ALA Conference in San, Diego. If you have never heard of an Advance Reading Copy (ARC) before no worries I am hear to tell you about them.

What is an ARC?

An ARC is basically a almost published version of a book that a publisher gives out for free to start buzz, get reviews, etc. They often change cover art, edit a few things, but mostly when you read an ARC not much changes once it is published. If you want information about ARC's from a few other sources you can find them here and here.

What is a Galley?

While I knew what an ARC was before I went to the ALA Conference I had never hear of a galley before. Galley's are basically ARC's but they are digital. Often publishers will have these postcards with their upcoming books on them and how you can read a digital copy of that book. You can learn more about book galleys here.

How do I get an ARC?

There are a lot of different ways to get ARCs or Galleys. You can get to know an author and then ask them for an ARC/Galley of their upcoming book. You can get to know a publisher and ask them the same. You can go to Book Fairs, Book Conferences, ALA, etc. and you are bound to come home with more books than you ever imagined. You can find good information about getting ARCs here. You can find book ARCs/Galleys here.

In reading all kinds of books lately I decided that I want a place where I can talk about them. I also want to give some of my thoughts as review, start some dialogues, and so forth. Because of this I have started a new blog called: Find The Best. If you are interested in what I'm reading, writing, or reviewing come take a look.

Integrity

2011-03-08T20:38:00.002-07:00

I got rejected from both of the jobs I have been in the process of applying for for months. The first rejection (job #1—the job I wanted the most) came in the form of an email. The second (job #2) came in the form of a rejection form letter in the mail. While I am sad I didn't get offered either of these jobs something else about the rejection process has been weighing on my mind.

At the end of my second interview with job #2 the interviewer told me that they would let me know on Friday (exactly a week from that day) either way about the job. I thanked them and fully expected to hear from them in a week.

At the end of my interview with job #1 they told me they didn't know exactly when they would let me know but that it would be soon and they would tell me either way.

By the time Monday (10 days later) I hadn't heard back from either job. I wasn't so concerned with job #1 since they hadn't given me a specific time but I was bothered that I hadn't heard from job #2. In this day and age there a so many ways to contact someone and tell them you are running behind, you need to finish some interviews, etc.

Then comes today. At the end of my work day I check my email to find job #1 rejection email. I was disappointed after the interview process that I received an email instead of a phone call but I guess that is the way things goes.

Already dealing with bad news I decided to call job #2 to follow up. I called, they told me the decision hadn't been made, and for the next few hours I had some hope. I got home, got the mail, and received my next form letter rejection—wait, what? Didn't they just tell me a few hours ago that they hadn't made a decision? They lied to me!

And so we come full circle. What happened to the days of personally talking to people. What happen to the days of your word being your bond. What happened to integrity in the office. I'm disappointed in people who say one thing but don't follow through. I hope I do a better job in my professional and personal life!

Only Temporary

2011-03-06T13:31:00.003-07:00

I got a tattoo—of course it is henna and only temporary. I had wanted to get a henna tattoo for a while. I picked out a simple design, paid my money, and waited for my turn for the medieval gypsy to work her magic. When I sat down and show her the picture I chose I could tell she was disappointed and she asked, "can I make it a bit more swirly?" to which I responded okay.

Turns out this tattoo is nothing like the simple picture I had chosen. She set out with a picture framework and then she went to work using her creativity and imagination and the tattoo I ended up with was nothing like the one I imagined. (good thing it is just temporary).

This tattoo experience is indicative of my life. Many times I have set out with a ideal frame work that I think is simple and fits me and the Lord has other plans (good thing it is only temporary!)

Faith Like Dust

2011-03-06T12:43:00.004-07:00

I am a questions girl. I ask them, I think them, they often trouble my mind and heart. I find that the asking of questions isn't the problem. When I ask questions they lead me on a quest or great adventure to find answers—some I expect—and some that are greatly unexpected.

Although I love my desire to understand at times I wish I were more like nature. I desire to have faith like the dust, mountains, and the waters. They know Gods voice and obey! In the scriptures it says,

8For behold, the dust of the earth moveth hither and thither, to the dividing asunder, at the command of our great and everlasting God.

9Yea, behold at his ^avoice do the hills and the mountains tremble and ^bquake.

10And by the ^apower of his voice they are broken up, and become smooth, yea, even like unto a valley.

11Yea, by the power of his voice doth the ^awhole earth shake;

12Yea, by the power of his voice, do the foundations rock, even to the very center.

13Yea, and if he say unto the earth—Move—it is moved.

14Yea, if he say unto the ^aearth—Thou shalt ^bgo back, that it^clengthen out the day for many hours—it is done;

15And thus, according to his word the ^aearth goeth back, and it appeareth unto man that the ^bsun standeth still; yea, and behold, this is so; for surely it is the earth that moveth and not the sun.

16And behold, also, if he say unto the ^awaters of the great deep—^bBe thou dried up—it is done.

17Behold, if he say unto this mountain—Be thou raised up, and^acome over and fall upon that city, that it be buried up—behold it is done (Helaman 12:8-17.)

If I had faith like dust I know the Lord could do more with me. I find myself lately often thinking of a faith fill phrase of a loving father, "Lord, I believe. Help Thou mine unbelief (Mark 9:24.)

He Knows the Desires Of My Heart

2011-03-04T18:35:00.002-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about sign language. Up until I moved to Arizona I have been blessed to be able to use my ASL wherever I have been. I know that is because the Lord has brought people into my life or placed me in circumstances where I can you that language I love. So He knows that I have a desire currently to find a connection to the Deaf community.

The other night while I was at a Relief Society Meeting a woman in the ward called me over to talk with her. She told me that she had 4 deaf people at her house over the weekend and many times she thought of inviting me over to practice my ASL but then she got busy and forgot.

When I first heard this my heart was sad. I wished she had heeded the prompting to invite me over. Then, quietly and calmly, I felt a sense of love fill my soul as I walked away from her. I felt the spirit testify that God loves me and He knows the desires of my heart. Even though she didn't call me over to her house she let me know she thought of me and my ability to sign. That was enough.

Walking For a Wonderful Cause

2011-03-02T17:29:00.001-07:00

Dear Family & Friends

On March 19, 2011, I will participate in the Liver Life Walk to raise funds for the work of the American Liver Foundation – the nation’s leading nonprofit organization dedicated to liver health and disease prevention. I have joined the Donor Network of Arizona, and my personal goal is to raise more than $150.00 for this worthy cause.

A few years ago my Father ran the Boston Marathon for the Liver Foundation and I loved being a part of his journey. Also when my little brother died he was a donor and changed lives. I believe in this cause with a passion and hope you will support me!

Liver disease is often unknown or misunderstood. Here are some compelling statistics:

1 out of every 10 Americans is affected by about 100 types of liver disease.
That is 30 million people — the number of people in the United States living with diabetes and cancer combined, and the same number of people who live in America’s 15 largest cities.
60% of the 26,000 people who die each year from cirrhosis have no history of alcohol abuse.
Nearly 17,000 people are on the waiting list for a liver transplant.

The American Liver Foundation (ALF) is dedicated to a future where there are effective treatments, cures, and no one dies waiting for a liver transplant. The ALF mission is to facilitate, advocate and promote education, support and research for the prevention, treatment and cure of liver disease.

You can support my efforts by making a tax-deductible contribution to the American Liver Foundation:

Donate online at My Personal Donation Page

If you would like to do more, you can also join our team and set a fundraising goal for yourself. You can register today by visiting www.liverfoundation.org/walk and following the prompts to register for the Phoenix, AZ walk on the Team Donor Network of Arizona. When you register, you will receive valuable fundraising tools and information from the American Liver Foundation, in addition to your own personal fundraising Web site.

With your help, we will fund important work and raise awareness of these diseases that afflict millions of people. If you have questions about the Liver Life Walk or the work of the American Liver Foundation, please do not hesitate to contact me. Thank you in advance for your support!

Sincerely, Kylee Shields

My "Jack of All Trades, King of None" Life

2011-02-26T23:27:00.007-07:00

I have 29 books on my shelf (literally on the top shelf of my three-shelf-bookcase) that I want to read and 42 others (all ARCs/Galleys) that I may or may not get to. I am currently three books—well, actually four if you include the Book of Mormon—which I do—since I'm reading it. Then there are 3 or 4 books that I NEED to read again b/c my life is better when I reread them. ("Tuesdays With Morrie," "Making Loss Matter," "Letters To A Young Poet," & "To Draw Closer to God")

I have a ton of blogs I need to catch up on, a bazillion others I want to read and research, my blog—which I have completely neglected, and a poetry blog that I am determined to write on much more in the near future.

I have a piano that I adore but with whom I don't nearly spend enough time. I need to write some new music and I need to schedule another music night soon.

I haven't done anything with my sign language in the last two years and I feel a strong desire to change that.

I recently finished my first draft of my first book and am relieved. I need to take a break from it so I can remember how much I love it and the principles inside.

I have a family I adore and can't get enought of, a niece who is growing up way too fast across the country, and parents who I could never, even if I truly tried, tell them how much their support, love, and prayers are felt in my life.

I have an amazing best friend who makes me laugh, listens, and calms my soul. He is a delight in my life and I'm pretty sure I finagled something up in Heaven so that he could be in my life right now.

I have roommates that I struggle with and roommates that I adore and I'm sure they feel the same way about me. I wish I could do more for them but I guess we will just take it one day at a time.

I have a job I love but hate. I love the job but hate the pay and location. I am hoping to change both of those, and my job, soon.

If you made it this far, wow! Most likely if you did, you know me, and so you know that I'm passionate about life. Being a passionate person, mixed with a whole lot of ADHD, a dash of full blown independence, and a hint of feminism, makes for a mess. I will say this though, I LOVE my mess of a life and can't wait to see what the future holds in store!

Happy Birthday Blog!

2011-01-31T12:57:00.003-07:00

Today is this blog's 5th Birthday! Wahoo! Also, 10 years ago today, January 31, 2011, I entered the MTC to serve my mission for the LDS Church

Finished First (rough) Draft

2011-01-19T17:00:00.003-07:00

I have been pretty non-existent in the blogging world but it has been for a very great reason. I have been writing a book for about 4 years (I dont really count the 2 years I was in Grad School) and I Finally FINISHED my first rough (very rough) draft. This has been a huge journey and a labor of love. I'm glad I finished this goal but more than that I'm so grateful for the opportunity I've had to put this book together.

I need to thank everyone I interviewed, talked with at parties, argued with, and sat and discussed ideas on couches and kitchens. Thank you to those who read my blog, gave me feedback, and endured my focus groups. I need to thank those who inspired stories, ideas, and to those who believed in me along the way. I need to thank my amazing MOM who loved the ideas of this book from the beginning and kept me moving forward. I need to thank Jodi, Alycesun, Catherine, Daniel, and Brandon (sorry if I forgot anyone) who read, edited, and let me know what they thought of things I wrote along the way.

Animated Sidekicks

2010-12-05T16:14:00.005-07:00

I realized something new about myself. I was putting together a sort of whimsical Christmas Wish List and I realized that I pretty much love animated sidekicks. Who knew--I know it's weird but oh well!

Christmas Wish List:

--Little yellow dude from "Despicable Me"

--Little green lizard from "Tangled"

--A pet dragon from "How to Train Your Dragon"

--A little green Mike from "Toy Story"

--An awesome & hot boyfriend

Some of the sidekicks I adore:

"How To Train Your Dragon" has a very small but deadly dragon named The Terrible Terror

"Tangled" has a little chameleon lizard named Pascal

"Mulan" has Mushu

"Despicable Me" has yellow minions

"Toy Story 2" has the little green aliens

"Cinderella" has mice-mice

"The Little Mermaid" has Sebastian

All She Needed Was Some Carpet

2010-12-02T20:48:00.000-07:00

Here is Little E scooting!

Chelsea & Eden Come To Arizona!!

2010-12-02T20:43:00.002-07:00

Before & After Bedroom

2010-11-27T16:16:00.005-07:00

Here are some of my favorite things in my room:

Alycesun made this board for me and I LOVE it!

Miranda gave me this amazing purple world globe and since it's my heart's desire I adore it!

Brandon gave me this wicked awesome typewriter and I can't get enough of it!

I absolutely love my cork board and don't know how I survived before without one!

In my life lately I have been feeling like I need a lot of change. I got a new haircut, bought some new clothes, got my eyebrows waxed (first time), and decided my room was ready for a much needed make-over. My amazing designer and roommate, Alycesun Marie Clare, came up with all the ideas, bought or made everything, and helped to place everything in its perfect place! I adore my room I'm grateful for people like Alycesun who share their amazing talents to enrich my life! Here are some before and after photos. It's a bit confusing b/c I'm just showing the before and after of each wall and my bed and since everything change--well you get the idea.

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

(many more throw pillows to come...)

Catherine Papworth's EP CD Release

2010-11-27T15:38:00.006-07:00

My amazing friend, Catherine Papworth, had her EP CD Release and I was there as her OMG (official Merch Girl). If you don't already know about Catherine and her music you really should! You can find her on FB, itunes, ReverbNation, and on her blog. Here are some pictures from the wicked awesome CD Release.

Homemade Sushi

2010-11-27T15:13:00.003-07:00

A group of friends, hosted by Catherine Papworth, made Sushi from scratch. It was awesome!

Halloween

2010-11-27T15:03:00.002-07:00

Tinkerbell

Gypsy

Pirate & Carrie Underwood

Arizona State Fair

2010-11-27T14:22:00.006-07:00

My Sister Is A Rock Star!!!

2010-11-16T18:58:00.004-07:00

In case you haven't heard or seen the buzz about my sister Ali, she was on Ellen yesterday. You should watch the clip of her here and see some of her wicked awesome dancing moves at the beginning of Ellen's show here. In addition she has posted two of her original songs on YouTube here and here.

She's always been a big deal to those of us who know her (my family is so excited and a bit FB crazy these days) but now she's the real deal! I am so proud you Alexa for making a bucket list and being able to check off your number 1!

"What Lack I Yet?"

2010-11-15T20:40:00.002-07:00

There is story from the book of Matthew in the New Testament of a man who comes to the Lord and asks, "Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?" and the Lord proceeds to list of things this man needs to do. When the Lord is done with the list the man says, "All these things have I kept from my youth up: What lack I yet?" Then "Jesus beholding him loved him and said unto him, One thing thou lackest: go thy way, sell whatever thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven; and come, take up the cross, and follow me." (Matthew 19:16-22) & (Mark 10:21.)

This question, "What lack I yet?" has been ruminating in my mind for a few days. I read this story of this man I feel sorry for the man. He asked the Lord what he needed to do and the Lord, because He loved him, answered him. The Lord told him the one thing he was lacking but in the end the man wasn't willing to give up his riches for eternal life. I sometimes wonder if I am the same?

Oddly, today I had the exact opposite thought from the above. The line from a song I wrote recently kept coming to my mind. "All you see when you look at me is everything I lack..." I wonder how often we only see in others the things they are lacking or missing? I wonder if we completely miss out on great relationships, friendships or even romantic possibilities because we are so focused on what someone is lacking instead of all they posses.

I hope I am willing to give up all I posses to return to God someday and in the meantime I strive to see what people have to offer rather than what they are lacking.

Which is Worse?

2010-10-23T17:35:00.002-07:00

The other day I asked a co-worker of mine what I should tell people when they ask me what I do.

I said, "Should I tell them I'm a Social Worker or a Therapist?"

He laughed and with a smile on his face said, "Either one is better than telling them that you are Mormon."

WAVE

2010-10-23T17:16:00.003-07:00

I've been dabbling with a new website called WAVE women advocating for voice & equality. My sister Chelsea Shields Strayer is on the Board of Directors and got me interested. She had a wonderful interview with KRCL: RadioActive! so check it out to see what WAVE is all about.

I wrote a post on WAVE's Hope section of their website. I felt great about what I wrote and even called both my parents to get their opinions. I figured they'd be a bit squirmy about their two feminist daughters but was surprised to hear that they were fine with what I had written. Then came some negative comments and I started thinking about what it actually means to be a Mormon Feminist. I think, as far as Mormon Feminists go, I'm very mild and moderate but nevertheless if wanting equality means I'm a feminist--so be it! I am so proud of my sister, a very strong feminist, that she is reaching women who desperately need a place to call home.

I am grateful for wonderful (conservatively faithful) parents who have taught me truth and let me find myself in this great big world!

An Attitude of Gratitude

2010-10-09T01:47:00.002-07:00

After watching General Conference I couldn't help but feel very grateful for all the blessings in my life. I wrote this poem a while ago but I thought I would post it since it describes many of the things I'm grateful for.
Made For Me

Behold the heavens Thy hands hath made

Deep is the valley Thou freely gave

On top the mountain, Beneath the sea

For these I’m grateful Thou made for me

To see a rainbow in its array

And bask in twilight near the end of day

The shooting star, For every tree

For these I’m grateful Thou made for me

For every sunrise that starts the day

And every river that’s carved its way

For every flower and every bee

Of these I’m grateful Thou made for me

The sound of music that fills the air

The deepest of love that we share

For healing, forgiveness, and eyes to see

Of these I'm grateful Thou made for me

Kylee Shields 2/17/10

Date #7: "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better"

2010-09-26T17:33:00.003-07:00

Name: "Jackpot"

Profession: State Farm Agent

Date Theme: Competition

My original final date got called into work so I was told by HT that I would have a date and to to be ready by 7:30 pm. So I was at home with my roommates getting ready around 7:00 pm when I heard my roommate scream up to me to call 911 b/c the neighbors were fighting. I rand downstairs and outside ( I have personally seen how bad these domestic violence fights can be). I yelled at my neighbors to stop and long story short they calmed down a bit. I told my story to the 911 dispatch while the neighbors continued to get intoxicated and were swearing up a storm. The Cops came dealt with the situation, came over and got our witness statements and then we had actually write out our statements. The Cops took our driver's license and such and it was at this time that my date showed up....

Turns out it was "Jackpot" aka the HT aka The Instigator!! I was surprised to see him at my door but knew that I would have a blast. So after I finished up with the cops "Jackpot" and I headed to Tempe Market Place. We went to eat dinner at Dave & Busters but there was a wait so we decided to walk around and talk.

I thought this bike rack was super awesome!

I couldn't resist playing in the jumping fountain with the kiddos!

Finally it was time to eat and we had a great time getting to know each other and eating our fabulous food. When we were done eating the games began. "Jackpot" just wanted to win or beat me in every game we played (and he almost did). I had so much fun playing all the games and winning tons of tickets!

"Jackpot" won the 600 ticket jackpot and the 200 ticket jackpot for a total of 800 tickets!

The tickets seriously were coming out of the machine forever!

"Jackpot" was kind and bought me an Elmo for 1/2 the tickets we earned (yes we only used 1/2 our tickets that's how many tickets we won.)

Then "Jackpot" drove me home, walked me to the door, said goodbye, and...

Date #6: Ward Picnic

2010-09-25T13:51:00.004-07:00

Name: "Hulu"

Profession: Full-Time ASU Law Student

Date Theme: Picnic in the Park

My date tonight is roommates with "Sushi" and both are in my new ward. "Hulu" came and picked me up and we went to the store to pick out food to make dinner. We decided to make pizza and picked up a dessert while we were there. Then we went back to "Hulu's" house to make our pizza. I was given the job to do the sauce and cheese while my date did the pepperoni.

After we had finished making dinner we headed to Freestone Park to join our ward for a picnic themed date night. Here's how it worked: people from the ward signed up to be a part of the picnic night. Then the girls who came prepared a dinner for two and the guys who came prepared a dessert for two. The girls put their dinners on the table and the guys picked whatever picnic he wanted and then they were matched to eat a picnic dinner. They were given a few getting to know you questions. When that was done we all walked to a different area in the park and the guys set up their desserts and the girls picked the dessert of their choice and were matched up with the guy for a picnic dessert. Again each couple was given some questions.

In the end all the questionnaire's were placed in a bowl. The couple chosen were each given gift certificates ($40).

So "Hulu" and I went to the part but instead of switching date we just had both the dinner and dessert picnics with each other. We ate the pizza we made and enjoyed the Oreo cake dessert we bought. We had already asked some getting to know you questions previous to the picnic but welcomed the ready make questionnaires.

One of the questions: "What do you do in your free time" brought about a funny conversation with my date. He admitted that whenever he is asked this question all he can think of as an answer is "I like to watch TV." I laughed and readily agreed. Telling him that I watch my episodes on Hulu to unwind from my crazy job to my daily living. We talked about how most people like to watch TV but that's not an acceptable answer to give so everyone always thinks of other things they do. I laughed and said that is exactly what I do--my go to answer is that I play the piano. "Hulu" admitted that he hates the commercials on Hulu and would rather watch his favorite shows on TV than Hulu.

We had a great time answering the questions and then making up our own questions. When the ward picnic was over "Hulu" took me home. We didn't stay up much longer b/c our ward temple was at 6:30 am Saturday morning. So "Hulu" walked me to the door, said goodnight, and he...

Date #5: "Sing Me A Song You're the..."

2010-09-23T22:23:00.008-07:00

Name: "Piano man"

Profession: Full-Time Student (Pest Control on the side)

Date Theme: Dinner & Entertainment

I was suppose to go on a date with one guy but something came up so "Piano Man" was great and filled in last minute. He took me to Rumbi for dinner and I really enjoyed the ambiance and company. I had never been to Rumbi and really liked the Hawaiian feel it had.

"Piano Man" and I ate our rice bowls and had some great conversation. During the conversation we learned that we both play the piano in common. So after dinner we went back to my house and played some piano. "Piano Man" can play jazz ( I dream about being able to do that some times) and so we attempted to play a few duets.

After our jam session I walked him back outside to say goodbye and he...

Date #4: Genki

2010-09-23T18:35:00.002-07:00

Name: "Sushi"

Profession: Medical Student (D.O.) @ A.T. Still

Date Theme: Dinner & Dessert

"Sushi" and I hadn't met before but I had seen him in my ward a few times. He seemed like he had a great personality! He was with a school friend while she was taking the first discussion from the Missionaries before we went out. He was a bit late (but is there really a better excuse??)

We were heading to an Indian food but it was closed. While we doing some getting to know each other I found out that "Sushi" is half Japanese and served his mission in Japan. So that was fun b/c I'm currently loving all things Japan. So since we couldn't get Indian food we looked around near by and found a Sushi place. We decided to be adventurous and try it out.

I liked the sushi but enjoyed the company even more! "Sushi" and I had a blast talking to each other and have SO much in common. We both love culture, music, and of course, Japan! In particular he likes Jazz (which is rare)! We got Vegas rolls, California Rolls, Eel, and Spicy Tuna and ate every last bite!

Then we went to get some ice cream to share and "Sushi" told me all about his school, A.T. Still University, and how much he enjoys his program. He is passionate about helping people and as a therapist I share that same passion so we had a lot to talk about in that area.

At the end of the night we sat in the rocking chairs on the porch at my house and talked for a bit more but "Sushi" is training to be a doctor so he still has hours of homework to complete. So we said goodbye...

Date #3: Storytelling

2010-09-21T21:17:00.007-07:00

Name: "Cop"

Profession: City of Phoenix Cop

Date Theme: Storytelling

"Cop" has to wake up at 4:00 am so we didn't have a long date but we did have a great time. "Cop" took me a place called, "Joe's Farm Grill" that I have been hearing about but had never been. We both got burgers and the stories began.

"Cop" told me a bunch of great stories about his adventures being a cop, a crazy story about his roommate, and I shared a few of my own stories. We had a great time just sharing stories from the "trenches" and talking about some research on secondary trauma, etc. I found the conversation great and we laughed a lot.

After dinner we went back to "Cop's" place and continued telling stories whilst playing a fierce game of Jenga. I won and that's all that matters. Then "Cop" took me home, walked me to the door, and...

It was great to be able to talk "shop" a bit with "cop".Even though we have different jobs they have a lot of similarities. "Cop" seems like a really stellar guy!

Date #2: Moonlit River

2010-09-21T18:16:00.005-07:00

Name: "Gondolier"

Profession: Handy Man

Date Theme: Kayaking on the moonlit river

"Gondolier" (Gondo) surprised me with his laid back personality. He sounded like he was from Southern Cali but is actually from UT. He used to live on the slops at Snowbird and then the Lord told him to fly away from the snow to Arizona. "Gondo" shared his Alma-like conversion story throughout the night and it was very interesting!

The Vessel

We went to the store to buy the ingredients for what he called "Mexi-Brauts" and then we loaded up a two man kayak and drove to the end of the Salt River. Once we got there he busted out his propane stove and started cooking away. He made sweet potato fries with butter and garlic, put the brauts on the grill, and pulled out his outdoor lounge chairs. Oh I can't forget the awesome Reggae music he had playing from the truck.

When it came time to put the brauts together "Gondo" realized he'd forgotten to buy hot dog buns! No worries my friends, he happen to have two English Muffins in the cooler so we used those instead. We had brauts with cilantro, onions, avocado, and some other yummy delicious things. The Sweet Potato friends turned out great and all the food was wonderful. "Gondo" made all the food on the tailgate of his truck so that was fun!

After dinner was over we took the kayak out into the river. Some parts of the river were so shallow we didn't even need to paddle. The ambiance was incredible with the moonlit, stars, and being out on the water. "Gondo" said, "I guess i should have put your seat facing me so that I could gaze into your eyes instead of talking to the back of your head." We both laughed at his cheesy line! I had a blast out on the water and getting to know "Gondo". Then he stood up like a Gondolier in Venice and steered the boat standing up.

When we finally found out launching spot again we headed home to drop off the kayak and then back to my place. "Gondo" walked me to the door and said something like, "You're a cool chick so I'll keep your number." Then he...

I had a wonderful time getting to know "Gondo" better, taking in the wicked awesome moonlight, and enjoying the river!

Date #1: Game Night

2010-09-20T16:24:00.004-07:00

Name: "Chef"

Profession: Full-Time Student (Valet on the side)

Date Theme: Dinner & Games

"Chef" (I won't be posting any of the guys real names) picked me up around 7:00 pm. He was a gentleman and opened the doors for me (even the car door). We went to his house where he had prepared some food but it had to cook. He made twice backed potatoes and chicken, onion, and green bell pepper shish kabobs. The food looked amazing. This is where he earned his nickname.

While we waited for the food to cook we played a game called "Sequence" that I had never played before but enjoyed. I did fairly well for my first time but Chef is really good at the game and so he beat me. ( I would make up for that later). The finished cooking, smelled, and tasted amazing! "Chef" lives in a house with 4 other roommates, all of whom I met throughout the night, one of which I had gone on a few dates with previously!

One of "Chef's" roommates and his girlfriend joined us for dinner since there was more than enough for all 4 of us. It was nice to have others to talk to and so our single date turned into a sort of double date. After talking and eating we left to go to a game night at some of "Chef's" friends' house.

Game night was okay but the girls who lived in the house had a cat (which I hate) so I avoided wherever the cat was all evening. At one point we got to play a game of "Cutthroat" and it was "Chef, this guy named Nathan, and I playing together. I was 1-5, Nathan was 6-10, "Chef" was 11-15. Nathan won the game. I beat "Chef" which is all that mattered to me!! I met another one of "Chef's" roommates (he was talking with an Australian accent) at games night. Also I re-met and actually got talking to this amazing girl and she got my number so I was able to do a little networking!

After game night we went back to where "Chef" lives and I met the last roommate (remember I had gone out with the other roommate about 5 years ago). We all ended up eating Cheesecake and just talking and having a great time. "Chef" then took me home, walked me to the door, and...

I had a great time with "Chef" and hope the rest of dates go as smooth!!

7 Dates in 7 Days

2010-09-18T17:19:00.003-07:00

The other night I was sitting with my Home Teacher and my roommates' Home Teacher and they were teaching us a lesson and so forth. After the lesson, like usual, they asked us if there was anything they could do for us. I was in a silly mood and JOKINGLY said something about them helping us to date more. Neither of us had been on a date in a long time. We talked about being single, dating, and so forth and they left. No big deal, right? WRONG!

The next night one of the HT's came over (my roommates and I were in our pj's and ready for bed--none of us expecting a guest). My roommate Camille tells me that HT is at the door with his roommate from Canada. What in the world??

HT sits down with Canadian roommate and proceeds to tell me that he has set in motion what he wants to call, "7 Dates in 7 Days" for me. (enter genuine shocked face) I had no clue what to say and felt like I was being punked or something. He goes on to say that he has already lined up 7 guys he knows to take me out. 7 guys, 7 days, 7 dates. All I had to do was say yes??? Of course I had to say yes. I had literally asked for it! (be careful what you ask for you just might get it!)

So starting tomorrow night I will begin my 7 dates in 7 days saga. I will be posting pictures and date info. Wish me luck as this could be hazardous to my health!

One Step At A Time

2010-09-18T16:52:00.002-07:00

We all have a list of things we wish we didn't do, that we wish we did more, and so forth. I am slowly and systematically working on my list. Once I graduated from grad school I knew it was long overdue that I start getting into shape and losing some weight. So I joined my local Y and I am proud to say that I go on a regular basis (I can always do better).

The next thing that has been haunting me is my consumption of Diet Coke/Diet Pepsi. I have truly enjoyed them as my little splurge. I have known I needed to quit them for a long time but have lacked the will power. Last week I made the decision, the dye has been cast, I burned the ships, and I did it! I quit soda!

It has been one week free of any kind of soda and I know this is a good decision. Now for the next item on the list....

Modern Family Home Evening

2010-09-13T22:04:00.002-07:00

This was how we had Family Home Evening tonight! I am just amazing at modern technology! Chelsea & Mike (Balitimore), Dani & Kevin (CA), Mom, Dad, Clay, & Camryn (CA), Ali (UT), Kati (San Diego), and Kylee (AZ). Thanks Oovo!

Lamb of God

2010-09-12T01:10:00.002-07:00

Last night I went to a majestic concert of Rob Gardner's newest sacred work called, "Lamb of God" and I left changed! the "Lamb of God" is about the last week of Christ's life and His resurrection! If you get a chance to see this production don't miss it! If you want to hear the music you can find it at Spire Music.

One of my favorite songs of the night is called, "Sometime We'll Understand" and here are some lyrics that spoke to heart:

"Not now, but in the coming years,
It may not be when we demand,
We’ll read the meaning of our tears,
And there, sometime, we’ll understand

Why what we long for most of all
Eludes our open, pleading hand;
Why ever silence meets our call
Somewhere, sometime, we’ll understand.

So trust in God through all thy days;
Fear not, for He doth hold thy hand;
Though dark thy way, still sing and praise,
Sometime, sometime we’ll understand.

Sometime we’ll fall on bended knee,
And feel there, graven on His hand;
Sometime with tearless eyes we’ll see
What, here, we could not understand."

Love Story

2010-09-11T10:56:00.002-07:00

Please watch this video. I love this story about love that is real and alive!

"No, I am not pregnant, I'm just fat!"

2010-09-10T17:19:00.002-07:00

In the past few weeks at work I have been asked by 3 different clients (kids) if I am pregnant! Now I know I need to consider the sources, the fact that I was wearing a babydoll type shirt all 3 times, the fact that 4 women who work with me have recently had babies, 2 women just left of maternity leave, and the fact that I recently lost 10 lbs into consideration but really!!!

Lessons only Time Can Teach

2010-09-08T17:03:00.002-07:00

Today was a typical morning at work. There were kids climbing fences to AWOL, kids cutting their arms b/c they don't know how to deal with their emotions, and kids getting ready for school dressing in their uniforms.

Today was a typical day at work. I am currently a TA for 11 students. These kids range in ages from 11-14 with varying degrees of grade levels. They all have behavior and emotional issues which make learning in their classroom that much more difficult. They have a great teacher who really does his best to keep them motivated, working, and organized.

Today I was just doing my thing but then I started to feel stressed and tired and some familiar feeling was nagging at me and I couldn't quite figure it out. There was this boy in the class who was just getting on everyone's nerves and he had already been kicked out of the classroom once for a "time-away" (3 min. outside the classroom door). This kid has so much energy he rocks back and forth during the day to calm himself down. He is an avid reader and loves to share random facts all throughout the day. It wasn't until the end of the school day that I realized what that familiar feeling that was eating up my stomach and causing me a headache.

It was the same feeling I used to feel with my brother Grant! I used to get easily frustrated with him and know that he couldn't help how he was reacting but I wished he could just "get it". I was a little shocked at the realization. This boy wasn't just some kid I come to work with every day. He is someone I love and get excited for and get sad about and so forth. I even get frustrated at him for not "getting it".

I would give anything to be able to do what I did today with my student with my little brother. I told my teacher that I needed a few minutes. I went into the staff lounge, I got a drink of water, I relaxed, calmed down, and said a quick prayer. Then I went back to class and helped him with the same math problem we had gone over multiple times. I smiled, he worked hard, and in the end he felt successful! I wish I had known better back then...

Today was a typical day except that today I miss my brother a lot!

Alternative Dating Styles

2010-09-05T16:45:00.003-07:00

Often, being that I'm single and hang around single people, we get talking about dating, the complications, the drama, the "game" and all that jazz. I was talking to some friends and we were sharing our worst date scenarios. We were laughing and remembering... and then someone said something that struck a cord with me. It was something about what if we took looks off table completely when deciding who to date. (Now don't get me wrong I'm a firm believer in attraction and the importance it plays in a relationships). Interesting to think about right? So if looks were off the table what would you base your initial attraction on?

I don't know but it seems to me that people who aren't gorgeous or highly sought after for their beauty seem to rely on their resume or things they have done with their life. They start with what they are doing currently in their jobs or school etc. Then they share things like where they've traveled, things they've accomplished, their future plans etc.

Some people rely heavily on the "role" they play in a social setting such as, "the funny one", the "social butterfly", the "connector", the "I'll host a party at my place" or so forth. I wonder how these people would interact differently if all of a sudden they weren't allowed to fall back on their "role(s)"?

Then there's all sort of people who fall in between the "beautifuls" and the "brainiacs".

Sometimes I just wonder how things would be different in dating if beauty wasn't such a focus? I don't know that things would change much or that dating would be any better. Maybe it would just be different with an emphasis elsewhere. What do you think?

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

2010-09-05T16:38:00.007-07:00

I am a firm and passionate believer that good things come to those who wait! While I just recently wrote a blog post on how things are just things I have been thinking about some of the things I treasure most in my life currently and how long it has taken me to acquire some of them. Some of these things I could have bought on credit when I really wanted them but instead I waited and they, each one of them, quietly came into my life when I needed them the most! Here are just a few examples of the goodness in my life that was more than worth the wait!

I don't remember exactly when I first wanted to own a typewriter but it was sometime back at BYU when I was in my Creative Writing classes. I have always loved to write! I enjoy all sorts of venues for writing such as blogs, writing letters, typing letters, writing notes, writing music, etc.

I have a very old soul and enjoy things the old fashion way. I adore Jazz, sitting in a rocking chair and taking in the kids playing in the street, and I love typing letters on a typewriter. Then one day I met a man who loved to write as well. He just happened to have multiple typewriters so I borrowed one of his for months at a time. I kept telling myself I was going to buy myself a typewriter soon but never seemed to actually do it.

The other day this same incredible guy showed up at my house with a typewriter just for me! He bought for my graduation gift and it was love at first sight. I giggle just thinking about how much I adore this little sleek green typewriter! It has taken me a few years but it was definitely worth the wait!

Catherine

Have you ever circled around someones life to find that you should have been friends years ago? Well that is the story of Catherine Papworth & I. Catherine wrote about how our lives have swirled around each other for years in her post here but I quote her a bit here:

"Let me tell you a little about Kylee and my background. I was born and spent my childhood in San Diego...she served her mission in San Diego. I moved to Oregon at age 11 and lived there til college...she moved to Oregon (on the other side of Portland from me) at age 9 and lived there til her senior year of high school. We both went to BYU. Because she's musical and thus meets lots of musical people, we know a ridiculous amount of the same people from our time at BYU....people that we both spent an insane amount of time with so...it's just crazy that we never met in this time period. Then she moved to Boston. Okay, I never moved to Boston. I almost went to college in Boston, though...I was seriously seriously on my way there when I got my acceptance letter into the BYU school of music... But, I did go to Boston after my freshman year in college...So, if that weren't enough, she just happens to choose to go to grad school in Arizona and move into a neighborhood literally 0.5 miles from my house...She was also in a ward with several people including one of my only friends when I first moved here, Camille. We didn't initially meet through Camille, but now we have lots of mutual friends...and I find this to be just great...And then [one night] we talked and discovered that she knew me from Noteworthy and that we knew a lot of the same people...Somehow, because I'm lucky and we both love music and because people are brought into your life when you need them (I think), she's become an integral part of my life over the last few months. If God makes all of us with some sort of chemical compound, a formula of intelligence and heart and talent and gifts and spirit, then I believe that Kylee and I started with the same base."

And so it goes with friendships that you never knew you were waiting for but once you find them you discover they were worth the wait!

MY car Kirby

I was 28 years old when I bought my first car! I know that seems ludicrous but it is entirely true. I do have to mention that I shared a family car with my sister for years, then I used that same family car myself for a while, then I moved to Boston for a few years and didn't need a car so I had cars but none of them were mine.

It was a crazy and hectic day when I bought my Toyota Corolla. I bought her from the LDS church as she was a retired "missionary" car. She wasn't the car of my dreams or even my choice but she was what they had and she was all mine. It has been over 2 years now and I absolutely love my Kirby.

When I first got my car I named her Bella b/c she was sparkly gold and a princess but then we all know what happened to the world when the Twilight Series hit! No longer could I call her Bella and she was given the name of the car I learned to drive in--Kirby!

"Ella Mae" My(very old but intensely loved )Piano

I love this piano so much sometimes I think it might be a sin! I started playing the piano when I was about 7 years old and right away I hated it. It would be a long ten years of struggle with my mom to continue practicing and taking lessons. I don't know exactly when but at some point along the way I started writing music (I think around age 14) and it was then I first desired to have a piano of my own. I know wanting a piano is like wanting a horse as a little girl. No one can afford to buy a piano! So my heart waited and dreamed and waited. Then one day, when I least expected it, my dream came true!

I adopted this piano 1 year and about 5 months ago and I can't imagine my life without her! I don't think a day goes by that I don't play for a least a few minutes (some days much more). She has been one amazing addition to my life. I have written 4 new songs on her and have been inspired many nights while playing her to write more! I have loved having music nights in my home when she comes to life. She fills my heart with much joy.

My Beautiful Niece Eden Jean Shields Strayer

My family has been anticipating the next generation for a few years now and we are more than excited that little E has joined our family. She was more than worth the wait. The only problem is little E and her parents live soooo far away! It's really just too far from all of us to bear but I guess they are doing great things so we put up with them. That and the fact that they are troopers and come to visit quite a bit!

And so you see these are just a few examples in my life of good things that came with patience and waiting. I truly believe and have faith that good things do come to those who wait!

To Be A Friend

2010-09-04T00:46:00.003-07:00

I was talking with a friend the other day and she was talking to me about friendships. She gave me some very interesting feedback about my approach to friends. I love seeing myself through someone else's eye. After telling me a bit about what she noticed about me concerning friendship she asked me how I see/view friendships in my life. I felt like sharing a bit about what I told her here.

To me friendship is patient, kind, not puffed up, not rushed, never forced, and always giving. There is something so incredible about the perfect timing of an unexpected but dearly needed friend. To be a friend takes work (like most things worth doing in life). Friends are your family when you can't have yours. Friends are the keepers of your laughter and tears. They are the ones who see you at your best and worst. They love you where you are at and sometimes they love you into becoming better. They inspire you to explore new ideas, places, and things. They warn you of danger, keep you balanced, and at times let you know when you are completely wrong. They are your cheer leaders, your coach, your fan, and your critic. They give you wings to fly and blow wind in your sails!

Sometimes friends can take advantage of you. Sometimes you have to let certain friends go. Sometimes friends have the ability to hurt you the most because they know you well and know what buttons to push. Sometimes friendships fade organically and other times you have to set a boundary.

It has never been hard for me to make friends in my life. I love people! I love discovering new cultures, new ideas, new places, and new stories. Some of my favorite moments in life are in meeting new people who I know are destined to become some of my closest friends. It's the moments on the brink of new discovery and excitement that I treasure as much as the friends that I have held dear to me for years!

I had never really thought a lot about friendships, or at least the way I make and keep friends, until I was asked the other day. Here are some of my ideas:

(1) First love God, then love yourself, and then love others. It doesn't work any other way! Because I don't feel the need to compare, judge, or be catty, I am open to so many people. I thrive on diversity and people telling their story. When you love yourself first then you have the ability to love others!

(2) Maintaining friendships takes patience. In my friendships I know that people are busy. I also know that if they need me in their life they will let me know (or I will simply ask them). So it doesn't help to be demanding, bug them if they don't return my calls/texts, or even to feel discouraged if I don't hear from them for a while. They most likely have someone else in their lives they are talking to or turning to instead of me. This is okay with me because in due time they will come around. Being a patient friend is important and in the end friends know they can return to your listening ears and smiling heart!

(3) There is no reason for jealously in friendships. I may be strange but I truly don't understand much about jealously. I don't understand this emotion. In friendships people give or their time freely, and out of love, so each interaction is a choice and a gift. When someone chooses to spend time with another it doesn't take away from you or your friendship. In fact it just may deepen and expand your friendship with them.

(4) Friendship is not selfish. It is like other transactions You give and receive or you receive and then give. Either way both are very important and when one side of the transaction fails the enter friendship is in jeopardy. Toxic friendships are ones where someone is always dumping on the other or when someone is needy and only thinking of themselves. Healthy friendships thrive on wanting to give to each other just because. The very act of giving of ones times, talents, etc is enough!

(5) Friendship is all about timing! I think people underestimate this key piece of friendship. Some friendships are only meant for a moment in time while other friendships are meant to last forever. If you only seek forever friends you miss out on so many wonderful experiences, stories, adventures, and so forth. If you only seek out friends in the moment then miss out on the depth of memories, shared heartache, and watching someone change right in front of your eyes. Both kinds of friendships are important!

(6) Validation is key to a great friendship! It has been confirmed to me time and time again that validation is so important in any kind of relationship! It's important in friendship to give sincere and specific compliments or validation. It's important to let your friends know how you feel about them. When friends have confidence in each other they really be there for each other no matter what happens in their lives.

(7) It's all about the little things! Like most things in life it's the little things that really matter in the end. Little texts to say you care go a long way. Calling someone to wish them well, talk about their day, or just to say you're thinking of them really do matter. The more you listen to your friend the more you understand them and their wishes, desires, dreams. This makes it easier to validate them. It shouldn't be too hard to give a gift that matters, write a letter that is genuine, or make time in your busy schedule to spend with them. Theses little pieces of validation with make or break a friendship.

I'm sure there is more but for now that will suffice! I am so grateful for the many wonderful friends that I have. I am grateful for what each of them taught and continue to teach me today!

Two Years!

2010-09-02T21:37:00.004-07:00

Can you believe that I've been living in Arizona for 2 years! The part I never imagined is that I am still here. Well, technically I did move from Mesa to Gilbert recently. Oh Arizona, I don't know why my heart has this undertone of undulation with you but be patient with me and eventually I'll figure it out.

Here are some highlights of the past years in no particular order:

Started Graduate School--Graduated from Graduate School
I lived in Africa for 6 weeks
The mystery Migraines begin...
My little sister came to visit for Spring Break
I adopted a Baby Grand Piano
We did a 10 year anniversary run in memory of Grant
I wrote some new songs.
I worked (survived) on the San Carlos Apache Reservation for the summer
Went to Disneyland with some incredible friends
I started having Music Nights
I had a wicked awesome birthday to remember!
My Grandma B died
My beautiful niece, Eden Jean Shields Strayer was born!!!
I went to Glasgow, Scotland/ Dublin, Ireland/ Edinburgh, Scotland/ N England
Stayed in a sweet cabin with friends in Colorado
Got eaten alive by mosquitoes at Fossil Springs
I completed my very own sewing project!

I am very grateful for all the people in my life, all the adventures I've made, the dreams I've dared to make come true, and the lessons I've learned along the way!

Things Are Just Things

2010-09-01T22:17:00.003-07:00

I have an amazing best friend these days and I might be biased except I have an actual awesome story that proves that he's wonderful. My friend Hunter wrote of an incident that happened a few weekends ago on his BLOG.

I am continuously learning things from Brandon but one lesson is that things are just things and we don't need to become attached. He gives things away to people to make sure he doesn't become attached.

The irony is that for years I've been struck with wanderlust and could put just about everything I owned in my toyota corolla and drive wherever I lived. Like a turtle I carried all my belongings with me which is to say I didn't have much. Since meeting Brandon I have acquired a few things (piano/typewriter) I can't live without and would be hard pressed to give away. Still I like the idea that things are just things.

Hold My Heart

2010-08-23T17:03:00.002-07:00

I am always thinking about hearts! So it's no surprise that lately I've been wondering about what it takes to hold somebody else's heart of for me to let someone hold my heart. I consider it a honor when someone lets me hold their heart or at least attempt. There is something almost sacred about those moments.

I wonder sometimes, "Does anybody know how to hold my heart?"

Invisible Clubs

2010-08-21T12:21:00.002-07:00

The other day a co-worker of mine was zoning out and I recognized that look all too well. One of the boys at the RTC said some comment to him to which he replied, "No, I was just thinking about my sister."

His sister had just recently been killed in a car accident on her way to come see my co-workers new born baby. He had to return to work too early b/c he is the only one working in his family and didn't want to lose his job.

I looked over at him and the sadness that seemed to cling to him and I was terribly saddened that he was now part of the club. The club that is exclusive only to siblings who have had a brother or sister die. This is one of the invisible clubs, a club you never thought you would be a part of, and you never want anyone else to join. And yet since I've become a member of this invisible club my hear aches at how many people have involuntarily joined.

Today I woke up with a headache and laid in bed for a long time hoping and praying it wouldn't turn into a migraine. I get headaches a lot since I moved to Arizona and somehow I became a part of the invisible migraine club. I hate this club! I get so angry at my head when I have migraines b/c I have no control of my body. I sometimes go blind in one eye, I almost always get nauseous and puke, and most of the time I lose hours of my day. When I first stared getting migraines I did a lot of research and post on Facebook etc and was amazed at how many people I knew were also part of the invisible migraine club. It's awful to think that your pain is shared by so many.

There are good invisible clubs also such as my love of writing club, my old school appreciation of great jazz music club, and many more. These invisible clubs connect people through their pain or their passions. When you meet someone who belongs to you club you can almost instantly connect to them. In my good invisible clubs I love to collect members and I can relate to them as like-minded people. In my never-wanted-to-be-a-part-of-you invisible clubs it is almost painful when I meet people who belong to the club.

In my sorrow and in my happiness I am so grateful for my human connections to others!

In what invisible clubs do you belong?

2010-08-17T20:04:00.002-07:00

Do you think that some relationships run their course?

I have been wondering if sometimes people are brought into our lives or we are brought into their lives for a very specific reason or purpose. Then when that purpose or reason comes full circle the rest is up to us. I wonder if sometimes it runs its course and we just prolong those relationships. Maybe we hold on longer than was ever needed or intended--maybe our human emotions or feeling cloud the real reason we were connected in the first place. Maybe we need to let go or asked to be released?

What do you think?

The Difference a Day Makes

2010-08-13T16:32:00.003-07:00

Today I went to work and I loved every minute of it! The kids were fun to be around and the activity for the afternoon was roller skating. I spent the majority of the time teaching and helping the cutest 5 yr old and 4 yr old how to roller skate. I don't think I stopped smiling all day. This might sound cheesy but when you contrast it with day job yesterday it almost seemed magical!

Enter how yesterday played out...

This summer I started working at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) where kids come who are on their last chances. These kids are coming from the "system" or from jail. They have behavior (bx) issues or mental health issues. I am what's called a Direct Care Professional aka DCP. In other words I work directly with the kids, help them to program, go to school, etc.

I should have know that Friday the 13th would not be a good day at work but I had no idea what was about to happen. This week I'm what's called a "Float". This means I'm not assigned a dorm or a classroom. I take kids from place to place, from class to nursing for their meds, run errands, and most importantly I help keep the kids safe. If there is a restraint or AWOL I am there to assist in any way. Being the float can be nice at times but not yesterday!

I started off my shift by talking to one of my co-workers who had just returned to work after a few days. He and his girlfriend had recently had a baby. My co-workers sister (25) was driving out to see his baby when she was hit and killed by a car. He had spent the last few days planning her funeral and being strong for everyone else in his family. I've thought about him lately and wanted him to know he was in my thoughts and prayers. Then the day began as usual...

As a staff we had just transitioned the kids to their classrooms around 8:30 am. I was sitting in the courtyard outside the "comfort room" (seclusion-padded walled-room) trying to get kids to go to class. Mind you it was already around 112 degrees outside so I was already sweating. After about 15 minutes of school one of our boys runs out of class climbs the fence and somehow gets onto the roof. This is a problem. This is an even bigger problem b/c he is on suicide watch. So long story short he is talked into coming down and we all think that will be the highlight ( or lowlight) of the day--boy were we wrong.

Next came the 4 AWOLS, 2 that actually left the grounds, and 2 that attempted but failed (there would be 9 more AWOL attempts before my shift ended). Again the temperature was around 115 at this point in the day so you can imagine how hot it was for the staff and kids. While all this was going I was involved in a restraint of a girl, then another girl found kid scissors and cut her arm, all at the same time. So once I was out of the restraint, I started handing out gloves to staff, keeping my eye on other kids and so forth. At that point we had 7 staff in the school courtyard.

By the time the end of my shift rolled (3:00 pm) around I might as well have been showering in my sweat! I was exhausted, caught off guard by all the commotion, and relieved that I would be leaving soon. I had definitely earn my money's worth for the day (and then some).

The silver lining to my day happen later that night when I was contrasting my life (and some of my current hardships) with the lives of the kids I work with and I truly couldn't complain! The Lord has blessed me immensely. My best friend came over, we chatted, and then I talked to him about my life, he talked to me about his life, and in the end I was so grateful for his listening ears and heart. I went to bed feeling renewed. I chanted to myself, "tomorrow is a new day!"

An Open Letter to...A Deceased Person I Wish I Could Talk To

2010-08-10T11:15:00.002-07:00

Dear Leland Grant (Gus) Shields--aka Grandpa-

I sometimes just want to go to your house and see you sitting in your chair in the living room watching BYU and laughing. I miss you at random times and during different situations.

I was playing with Eden the other day, Chelsea's beautiful baby girl, and I was doing "A Mouse Looking For A House" and suddenly I miss you. So I continued singing to her and was a little sad that she never got to meet you.

I remember wanting to read you letters so bad when It became my turn to be a missionary but you weren't alive to write to me and I was sad for that missed opportunity.

Sometimes when I'm around all the family I just miss you and your jokes. Sometimes when I do something silly I say, "Way to go Leland" just like you used to do.

Basically I just want you to know you are missed, you are loved, and you have quite the legacy!

I love you grandpa and can't wait to see you and Grant again someday!

Love Lots, Kylee

Friendship

2010-08-09T01:40:00.003-07:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about friendships. They are so unique because they aren't like any other kind of relationship. They aren't family and they aren't your girlfriend/boyfriend. Yet, it would seem, at times they are the keepers of your heart, the ones who hold your tears, share your dreams, and the people you who make you who you are. They are the ones you live with, cry with, laugh with, and sometimes struggle with.

There is time when you've been friends for so long that you forget how you met or that it even matters and you can't seem to remember a time when you weren't in each others lives. It's then your realize you are lucky. You have the real deal.

And then there's that moment when you meet someone fantastic and you know you want to become their friend--it's just a matter of when and how! I lOVE that feeling. I love getting to know someone new, tapping into their soul, attempting to see the world through their eyes even if just for a moment.

There's also the friends that you hang around so much you might take them for granted except for every now and again you step back and realize you are so blessed to have them in your life. When they introduce you as their friend you still get chills. They are the ones you just might trust enough to let down your guard. They just might get to hold your tears. They may get to see you at your worst and best moments. And if you are lucky enough they will feel the same way towards you!

I am constantly amazed at how blessed I have been in my life for such amazing friends. If ever I wonder if God loves me all I have to do is look around at the wicked awesome friends He's placed in my life at the perfect time to know the answer.

So to all my friends, in all your arrays, know that I am grateful for your imprints and impressions on my heart. I am a better and more whole person as a result of your friendship!

An Incredible Journey out of Broken Dreams

2010-08-08T18:42:00.002-07:00

I was having a conversation with my new (she is gorgeous) roommate the other day about life. Okay, honestly I was dumping on her-which I try to avoid like the plague-but she was a great listener. In the middle of our conversation she was saying that she felt inadequate in her life compared to mine. She listed things she knew I'd done or accomplished and then compared them to her life (she's 4 years younger than I). I sat there for a moment and then I shared with her something I don't think I share enough and maybe haven't ever shared on this blog. So here I go...

Most of my amazing travels, accomplishments, goals I've reached etc. have happened over the last 5 years of my life. Most of my friends since I started this blog in 2006 only know the "Make it Happen" me. The Kylee who moved across the country, started traveling, writing a book, and so forth. They don't know the me that existed before I moved to Boston.

I think I've always been ambitious (it runs in the fam) but there was a time (2005) when I had graduated from college, didn't get hired as a seminary teacher, didn't know what to do with my life, and I wasn't married. In essence my plan had failed and I didn't know what to do. I had always thought by the time I was 25 I would be at least married if not married with a child. I was at a loss of what to do. From my broken dreams/plans came my desire to not "hang out" in life and make things happen.

So basically what I saying is I started going places and doing things not out of a sense of how "cool" of a person I am but out of sense of necessity. My dreams/plans/hopes had been unrealized and it became imperative to make new plans. Thus my life motto: Make it Happen was born.

I still want to get married, have kids, and spend my day using my cultivated talents and skills raising my kids and building the kingdom but in the meantime I'm going to go out and do my darndest to rock the boat and make things happen in my life

Drowning Impact Awareness Month (AZ)

2010-08-05T00:10:00.003-07:00

August in Arizona is Drowning Impact Awareness Month I'm very excited to share with you what this means and why I LOVE it! To me the topic of kids drowning is very personal as my brother drowned at the age of 15 and irrevocable changed my life forever.

I believe in understanding the impact of drownings and more importantly have to prevent them in the future. I am tired of hearing tragedies that may have been prevented with a little more information and awareness of drowning. I will be wearing a purple ribbon all month and invite any who wants to join me!

Below is the Press Release about this much needed Awareness Month:

Arizona Unites to Wear Purple Ribbons and Prevent Child Drownings

“Drowning Impact Awareness Month” is Arizona’s Most Unified Prevention Effort

PHOENIX, Ariz. (July 21, 2010) – The numbers are grim: between 2000 and 2007, 243 Arizona children drowned. Drowning is the second leading cause of injury-related death for all children in Arizona between 2000 and 2007, and top cause for children between one and five. To date this year in Maricopa County alone, nine of the 55 children involved in water-related incidents have died.

Going into August, the risk is likely to increase. Scorching weather and the changes in routine that come with back-to-school can cause distraction for parents. And in as little as four to six minutes under water, significant neurological injury can occur to a child.

But, Arizona is a state of resourceful and determined citizens – it takes toughness to live in 115 degree weather, after all. And a simple, tiny purple ribbon is a symbol of our resilience and determination.

Arizonans unite this August, with the Seventh Annual “Drowning Impact Awareness Month” effort. The statewide purple ribbon campaign encourages awareness and action, and is coordinated by Phoenix Children’s Hospital.

This year, the campaign will include: ␣

--More than 40,000 purple ribbons already distributed to supporters statewide.

--Formal proclamations signed by Governor Brewer and Mayors across the state, many presented at local Council meetings.

--More than 1,153 purple ribbons tied in the trees in front of Phoenix Children’s Hospital, to represent the number of children involved in water related incidents in Maricopa County since January of 2000.

--Banners and signs, donated and produced by SRP Safety Connection, hanging in public safety

buildings, libraries, La-Z-Boy Furniture Galleries stores, and YMCA’s throughout Maricopa County.

--Involvement, support and educational events from businesses, schools, and the Drowning

Prevention Coalition of Arizona.

Amazingly Talented Friends!!!

2010-07-27T20:15:00.007-07:00

Sometimes I am amazed at my wicked awesome talented friends and the things they are doing in their lives. I feel selfish, at times, that I know about them while others are in the dark. So this post is to help me help you get to know these incredible people and their amazing talents!!!

Dani Shields Tvetan: (CA)

Okay so she's my sister so I'm biased but she is very talented and wicked funny! Dani recently graduated in Graphic Design from BYUI and she's really good at what she does. If you need a wedding announcement, graduation, business cards, etc--she's affordable, reliable, and timely!

Catherine Papworth:(AZ)

I have heard many musicians/singers in my life and I would say Catherine is at the top of the this. This lady can sing and play and write music like nobody I know. You want to know her and her music--your life isn't complete without her in it!

Mindy Gledhill: (UT)

Her new album, "Anchor" is coming out very soon (I can't wait) but you can find it streaming on her blog. Mindy and I have been friends for years and I love how much of herself she pours into her songs. She is genuine and so loveable! If you've heard her sing you love her voice. If you've heard her story you love her heart!

Katie Davis Henderson & Liz Davis Maxfield: (UT/Ireland)

I have known these sisters (and their very talented older sister)since they were wee little things! Katie & Liz have both traveled all over sharing their love of the fiddle & Cello! Katie is is teaching violin/fiddle lessons and performs all over UT While Liz is going to grad school and performing in Limerick, IR. If you get a chance to hear either of them play you will feel edified and inspired! They are also (when they squeeze it in) part of a family band (they are amazing) called Fiddlesticks!

Shaun Barrowes: (Touring)

I've posted about my friend Shaun before but he is doing really cool things these days. He is singing in high schools for the Arts, he's touring, he's auditioning dancers, and so much more. His music is teaming up with Choreographer Mandy Moore (SYTYCD) & Jason Celaya (also my friend) and some incredible dancers for a his Live For Music Dance Competition for his tour and a Hip-Hop Music Video. So if you didn't check him out when I plugged before you really should this time around!!

Carly Weggeland: (MA)

She takes care of broken books at Harvard during the day but at night she is one amazing seamstress. I can't believe the costumes this girl makes. I won't be surprised at all if she is the costumer of some major British Novel turned Film in the near future! Check out her Costume Blog!

Jared Mooney: (MA)

He has an incredible studio called, "Dirty Water Sound & Music" located in Charlestown, MA. He is talented, smart, sassy, and did I mention he's talented. If you're out in Boston and need a place to record your music--he's affordable and the best!

Brad Burnham: (AZ)

The thing I love about Brad's photography is he takes pictures of the things that are real, in their original setting, and in their glory. While he does touch up some photos he tries to get whatever he shoots in the best natural setting! He work speaks for itself (but he will tell you their stories if you ask)!

Seth Wood: (MA)

I have know Seth for years before he was a wicked awesome photography. We would drive through Boston late at night in his Spider with the wind in our hair--it doesn't get much better than that. Seth is super talented as a photographer and if you love the picture on "Dirty Water Sound & Music's" Website there's a reason (he took it)!!

Timothy & Katasha Connor: (UT)

These two love birds were photographers on their own and joined forces to be quite the dynamic duo! I am very biased and absolutely love them both--but they are also very talented and have a lot of experience. If you want incredible photos from amazing photographers get a hold of them--you WILL be amazed!!

Brandon Flint: (UT)

I LOVE what Brandon does with his camera! Once you start looking at Brandon's site, "Flint Photography" you can't stop looking at the amazing artistry he welds with his camera. Brandon is one talented guy, who has an amazing supportive wife, and gets it when it comes to pictures you want to actually hang on your wall or display for all to see! He is worth every penny!!

Kristen McMullin: (UT)

She can rock it with her music skills as well as her photography skills. She is in love with life and her fiance! Her music and her photos have a depth and maturity that many other photographers lack. Check out her "Shade Tree Photography" website. Also you can check out her portfolio site!

K. Marie Criddle: (CA)

This girl can do it all! I was roommates with her in Boston and we had such adventures. We built a turtle terranium, made many videos, and laughed all the time. Remember her name b/c she in the works with a few of her novels that are bound to be prime time. Besides writing she is an amazing artist! To know her is to be happy!

Chad Woolner: (ID)

Chad does amazing things on his guitar! Chad & I go way back and I just think his wife and kids are amazing! Besides being an amazing musician Chad is also the owner of "Align Chiropractic & Rehabilitation" where he is a Chiropractor! So whether you need some good music or need a good alignment--he's your man!

Channing Kasallis: (UT)

I love Channing! She makes incredible Bunt Cakes and other types of cakes. Just when I couldn't rave about her cakes any more than I already do she started a photography business also! So whether you need pictures for your wedding or a wedding cake--Channing is the right choice!!

Molly Bice Jackson: (UT)

She is a friend and a mother who's daughter died tragically. She has taken her grief and created an amazing place where people can come together and share their stories. As creator of "A Good Grief" she has touched countless lives and has been in many articles, TV shows, and her story is so honestly and sincere that you can't help falling in love with Molly and her Lucy!

* For my friends that I may have forgotten I am sorry and would LOVE to shout acclamations to your talents on my blog so leave a comment*

An Open Letter to...Someone I Don't Talk to as Much as I Would Like

2010-07-09T22:58:00.003-07:00

Dear Kristin (Kris)-

I just saw a picture on FB with you, John Bonner, and a few other friends and I found myself very nostalgic for our days in Provo. I MISS U!

Sometimes in life we just go about living and one day we realize what we had and wish we would have taken more advantage of it. When it came to you I knew, in the moment, how amazing you were and how my life was better with you in it! I have no regrets when it come to our friendship! We laughed hard and we cried. We wrote on the mirrors with dry erase markers. We danced in the kitchen, sang when we pleased, and had some incredible roommates!

There have been many friendships/relationships in my life where I was brought into someones life for them. There is not question in my mind that you were brought into my life for me. You were & are a tender mercy in my life. You completely changed my perspective on girl friends! You loved me not matter what. You let me catch your tears.

I knew I had to do something drastic to keep you in my life forever so I introduced you to your husband and sealed my fate with yours forever! Ha Ha! Sometimes I hate Canada for stealing you both so far away but Canada brought you to me so I'm also grateful to her.

Just know I love you, I think about you, I'm interested in your life, and thank God that you let me let me hold your heart and that you held mine. I am better for knowing and loving you!

Love Lots, Kylee

An Open Letter to...My Favorite Internet Friend

2010-07-08T17:07:00.002-07:00

Dear Bloglines-

You are one of my very favorite Internet friends! I don't know what I would do without you. I have over 45 family blogs, 140 friends' blogs, and 12+ other blogs that I follow (some more than others). You keep them all organized, let me know when people have updated their blogs, and so much more!

You have no idea how much time you save me from checking everyone's blog. You have all my subscriptions in one place and to me you are almost magical! Thanks for being such and awesome friend!

Kylee

An Open Letter to...An Ex-Boyfriend

2010-07-07T19:42:00.002-07:00

Dear Joshua-

I think you gave me one of the sweetest, it not the best, gift I've ever received from a boyfriend (that I'm dating). When you and your niece and nephew made me that African Adventures game I was so amazed and surprised! I don't know if I adequately thanked you for that??

You made it with so much creativity and love. The paper binoculars, the plastic animals, the construction paper land and water--all those things were awesome. I think my favorite part was the tribal tattoos you included. I LOVED it all.

I think I was stressed with finals (not my best time of year) and trying to get everything together for my BIG trip to Africa to truly appreciate how awesome, creative, and loving that gift was to me.

So I'm writing you now (and to everyone who reads this) to say THANK YOU!! I want to thank you for that gift, all our great conversations, the car rides, the adventures, and so much more that we had together. I'm grateful that you were in my life and I'm grateful that you are happy!

Take Care, Kylee Shields

An open letter...To a Stranger

2010-07-02T07:50:00.002-07:00

Dear Mister who was in the car behind me,

You don't know this but I have never driven around in Boston! I never had a car out here so even when I was in a car I wasn't driving. So when you were so rudely honking at me the second the light turned green there a few things you should know.

1. It's been a long time since I've driven a stick shift.
2. I am not the owner of the car I was driving (it's new to me).
3. I don't know my way around from the airport to Somerville
3. I think I was doing an awesome job of not getting stressed, not stalling, and making my way around.

So I hope you have a better day cuz it sure seems you were in a bad mood at 7:00 am!

Kylee

An Open Letter to...A Celebrity

2010-06-27T16:16:00.002-07:00

Dear Jennifer Affleck-

I LOVED you in Alias and am embarrassed to say that I watch all 5 seasons on DVD in a relative short amount of time (some of which I was sick so I have an excuse). I liked you in Felicity and as Electra. Basically I just like what you do.

You don't know this but one day I was over at my church building and I saw you. You happen to be playing with your daughter Violet in the grass in front of the building and you were having a great time. I watched you just being a normal mom and wondered how often you got to be "normal"?

I'm not your only fan in my family--in fact I may be the mildest fan. My mother adores you and sometimes she talks about you and baby Vi and Ben like you are relatives. I think it's hilarious. I apologize that my mom knocked on your door and talked to you but can you really blame her? She's a huge fan and you lived right there!

Anyway I know you have kids right now and you're doing the mom thing but I would really love to see you in another TV show or wicked awesome movie in the near future. That would be awesome!

Oh, say hi to Ben for me,

Kylee

KIGATSUKU

More Than Enough Love

2 New Wicked Awesome Places!!

DIY: Chalkboard Update

New Friends

"Bringing Sexy Back"

Happy 6th Birthday Blog!

How Do You Like Your Eggs?

"Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close"

ANASAZI: The Lost Boys

...But I Prefer Not To Be

Why I Try Not To Come To Utah

I'd Rather Be Alone

My Book is getting PUBLISHED!!

2011 in Review

Kigatsuku & Kaizen

DIY:Chalkboard Wall

My "Trail Week"

Fractured Faith

How old are you?

Forever Strong Principles

Being In Tune

Anasazi Skills Camp & Fire Council

Start Something That Matters

The Room Whisperer

Men of Valor

Grief

Traces of Memories

Remember

Raising Expectations

Do You Have A Favorite Emotion?

I FINISHED MY BOOK!!!

Tender Mercies

You know you have been single for a long time when...

Sometimes...

Wind & The Sacred Wind

I LOVE my job!

Burn The Ships

Do You Have To Do It To Help Somebody Get Through It?

Grateful

Faith and Patience

Turning Point

Rejected

Validation

Find The Best

What Have I Been Doing?

Integrity

Only Temporary

Faith Like Dust

He Knows the Desires Of My Heart

Walking For a Wonderful Cause

My "Jack of All Trades, King of None" Life

Happy Birthday Blog!

Finished First (rough) Draft

Animated Sidekicks

All She Needed Was Some Carpet

Chelsea & Eden Come To Arizona!!

Before & After Bedroom

Catherine Papworth's EP CD Release

Homemade Sushi

Halloween

Arizona State Fair

My Sister Is A Rock Star!!!

"What Lack I Yet?"

Which is Worse?

WAVE

An Attitude of Gratitude

After watching General Conference I couldn't help but feel very grateful for all the blessings in my life. I wrote this poem a while ago but I thought I would post it since it describes many of the things I'm grateful for. Made For Me

Date #7: "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better"

Date #6: Ward Picnic

Date #5: "Sing Me A Song You're the..."

Date #4: Genki

Date #3: Storytelling

Date #2: Moonlit River

Date #1: Game Night

7 Dates in 7 Days

One Step At A Time

Modern Family Home Evening

Lamb of God

Love Story

After watching General Conference I couldn't help but feel very grateful for all the blessings in my life. I wrote this poem a while ago but I thought I would post it since it describes many of the things I'm grateful for.
Made For Me